How to Tell if Your Partner Is Having an Emotional Affair

Emotional Affairs: You Can Perceive, Process Non-physical Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most significant challenges within a romantic relationships. Yet some people define it differently, recognizing physical affairs, and "affairs of the heart."

Both can be devastating; but there are differences.

Emotional affairs are distinct in their total lack of physical intimacy. They don’t even require a partner to be out of sight, because romance can begin and flourish online, physically from the same bedroom shared with the innocent partner. Another difference is how it is defined.

Men and Women View Emotional Infidelity Differently

C.L. Crosby et al. (2020) examined how men and women view sexual and emotional infidelity, including the role of friendship.

They discovered that women view emotional infidelity as more damaging to a relationship than sexual infidelity because it may forecast a loss of relational investment, emotional commitment, and resources. They note that such betrayal may also be costly in that it might predict relational dissolution.

Other research (Guitar, et al. 2017) reveals that men and women are able to more consistently define what they consider sexual infidelity than what constitutes emotional infidelity, suggesting that emotional infidelity is a more amorphous, complicated dynamic.

Both men and women, however, were able to identify specific behaviors within their definition, including deception.

How are such clandestine courtships discovered? Here are some of the ways.

Secrets Signal Suspicion

Emotional affairs do not involve intimacy, but secrecy. Unless your spouse is planning your surprise birthday party, secrets have no place in your relationship.

Secrets are often considered a sin of omission.

Straying partners might be consistently light on details about a certain part of their day, or have installed lock screen software on their device — perhaps for the first time. Secretive behavior is even more telling if it developed over time, which might track the development of a romantic relationship.

Distraction Breeds Diversion

Many pursuits compete for our time, both concretely and cognitively. Distraction signals a partner is preoccupied thinking about something (other than you); the goal is to discover what it is.

Distraction is manifest in preoccupation with supposedly menial tasks, daydreaming, failure to respond appropriately to your questions, and other behavior signaling interpersonal disassociation.

Emotional Absence — Positive or Negative

Many partners suspect infidelity when a partner appears to be physically present yet emotionally absent. The most often cited example here is the spouse who is increasingly unaffectionate and distant — usually because they are thinking about their emotional crush.

But emotional absence does not always need to be positive to be suspect.

A husband that fails to protest a wife’s suggestion that she take a long business trip or vacation with friends may be viewed as out of character by a wife who is used to her husband’s desire to spend as much time with her as possible.

Similarly, a husband who cancels plans with his wife for her birthday would expect an appropriate expression of disappointment; which might not be forthcoming from a wife who views the cancellation as an opportunity for her to spend her special day with her romantic crush instead.

Recovery and Revival

As devastating as emotional affairs can be, many couples recover. Rebuilding trust is a process, but one that is possible and preferred, especially if there are children involved.

Emotional affairs are painful to discover, but it is possible to recover.

This column was originally published in Psychology Today.

Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.