How Stay-at-Home Partners Create a Happy Home

How 'Domestic Engineers' Create Desirable Space Physically, Emotionally
for Both Partners

The Home As Our Castle

Many of us know someone (perhaps ourselves!) who does not work outside the home.

Stay-at-home spouses raise children, run errands, clean house, and often joke that their "working" outside the home partner has the sweet end of the deal.

But not everyone working at home feels disadvantaged. Some stay-at-home partners enjoy the experience as a staycation, while others consider it to be house arrest.

What makes the difference?

It can’t be as simple as workload.

True, post-pandemic, many stay at home partners have even more balls in the air as they juggle housework with telework.

But there can be distinct advantages to a homebound schedule, both physically and mentally. Research explains:

Home is Where the Mind Is

The enjoyment of working at home depends in part on the emotional state of the homemaker. Veysel Kaplan explored the interaction of mental state and codependency in "Mental Health States of Housewives" (2023).

He begins with a description of housewives as family caregivers in almost every society, who often experience serious psychological challenges in this role, often due to pathological relationships with family members.

Studying 371 housewives with a mean age of approximately 36-years-old with a range of educational experience, Kaplan (ibid.) found a strong correlation between housewife mental status, codependency, and self-perception.

He noted that higher levels of codependency and negative self-perception exacerbated adverse psychological symptoms.

The emotional stress of homebound caregiving is also apparently linked to societal expectations.

Living Up to Great Expectations

Kaplan (supra) defines "housewifery" as an imposed heavy gender role assigned to all women, especially in patriarchal societies, without regard to occupational status.

He explains that there is a societal expectation that this role will involve "passive, emotional, obedient, and self-sacrificing behaviors," often exposed from childhood and internalized over time, that may negatively impact social self-perception.

Kaplan (supra) explains that self-perception impacts mental health, and is potentially influenced by experiences within interpersonal interaction, including the assessments or expectations of others.

Accordingly, he notes that housewives may be mentally impacted by a compulsion to behave according to the expectations of others within their social structure, which affects feelings and thoughts within the boundaries of what he calls a "blurred ego" which can lead to negative self-perception.

He notes that a woman who is socially accepted only as a mother and wife would increase their social invisibility, leading to negative self-evaluation as individuals who are dependent upon family members and overburdened with responsibilities.

But the opposite should then be true also.

Many homemakers enjoy a lifestyle that fuels a very different self-perception than traditional societal expectations.

They are expanding their mind by learning a new language or pursuing new educational opportunities virtually.

They are in the best shape of their lives through an easy-to-schedule walking routine, or working out at the gym.

Without the pressure of a nine to five, they are able to spend more time with their children, family, friends, and faith community.

And because we are also impacted by what we surround ourselves with physically, having the time to maintain a sparkling clean uncluttered physical space improves the state of body and mind for ourselves as well as our family.

'Home Sweet Home'

If home is where the heart and mind are, whether engaged in telework or housework, a happy home is not just aspirational, but attainable.

And because positive affect is contagious, happy at home partners create an environment that causes their spouses and children to view coming home themselves as the best part of the day.

(A related column may be found here.)

This article was originally published in Psychology Today, and is used with the permission of its author.

Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.