Interpreting a Favorable View of a Failed Relationship
"In two years I have never heard you say a bad word about your ex-girlfriend. Are you still in love with her?"
New couples often notice when their partner criticizes or condemns an ex-partner, worrying that might be the way he or she will be talking about them in the future if the relationship doesn’t work out.
But the other extreme is significant as well.
Some people have nothing but praise for a past paramour.
Is romantic reminiscence a cause for concern?
Research provides some insight.
Are Men More Likely to Carry a Torch For an Ex-Flame?
Ursula Athenstaedt et al. (from 2020) explored the differences in how men and women viewed ex-partners. They recognize that such views are important because they can shape views of current romantic partners or even potential partners.
In three studies, they found that men hold more positive attitudes towards female former partners than women do towards male former partners.
Examining gender-related variables, they found that ex-partner attitudes were positively correlated with more permissive sexual attitudes and the amount of social support participants perceived from their ex-partners — which were both higher with male participants.
They also found that ex-partner attitudes were negatively linked with attributions of greater responsibility for the breakup or the relationship itself — which were both higher in women.
Interestingly, both men and women reported more positive attitudes toward their ex-partners when they were single, or had a lower level of acceptance toward the breakup.
A Broken Relationship Doesn’t Always Equal a Broken Heart
As a practical matter, positive attitudes alone are usually not cause for concern unless accompanied by behavior. Many people intentionally make a point of not bad-mouthing an ex, especially if they share children.
It's somewhat ironic that the absence of negativity is sometimes viewed as a threat to the relationship. Yet many couples simply grow apart over time, becoming more like friends or siblings, a transition which is unlikely to threaten a new relationship in a romantic sense.
Sometimes, the answer to the question about why one partner never reviles an ex is because the broken relationship didn’t involve a broken heart.
Some people are relieved to amicably part company with someone who has become more of a platonic partner or a roommate, resulting in no hard feelings.
This should be good news for a new romantic interest.
And consider that kindness and compassion for love lost does not automatically stem from unrequited pining for a past paramour.
Healthy relationships grow through mutual trust and respect—which are positive attributes that may have characterized past relationships.
Remember, there are often good reasons why relationships dissolve, and past relationships are exactly that: in the past.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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