Can Insecurity Make Someone More Attractive?
Revealing the Link Between Insecurity, Desirability
Have you ever been out with someone you're strongly attracted to, but who also makes you feel anxious? Maybe you perceive differences in status, physical attractiveness, or social proficiency.
Whether those differences are real or imagined, you worry your feelings are being revealed through your behavior. But is that necessarily be a bad thing?
The research may surprise you.
Insecurity's Appeal
Claudia Chloe Brumbaugh et al. (in 2014) examined the appeal of insecurity in the aptly titled "Attraction to Attachment Insecurity." In that work, they begin by acknowledging that research shows that people prefer securely attached individuals when choosing between secure or insecure partner prototypes.
Nonetheless, they note that in real life, not everyone chooses a secure partner. Accordingly, they sought to explore the factors that cause people to select insecure partners, specifically examining flattery, appearance, and status.
Approval's Allure
Many accomplished, good-looking, outgoing people seem to have it all. As a result, others may fail to acknowledge or compliment a successful, attractive individual, figuring they are besieged with admirers.
This is usually not the case.
As a result, insecure individuals who express kindness, appreciation, and admiration are often well perceived — both emotionally and physically. Sure enough, Brumbaugh et al. (ibid.) found that flattery from individuals who were insecure substantially increased their attractiveness.
Appearance and Attachment Can Be Significant
Regarding physical attractiveness, Brumbaugh et al. (supra) note that men are more likely to be inclined to overlook characteristics such as attachment insecurity when faced with physical beauty, while women might be more inclined to choose a secure man who is not overly handsome.
They cite previous research showing that men are less selective than women when choosing dating partners, and also less concerned with negative personality traits, which could explain why they are willing to overlook characteristics such as attachment security.
Brumbaugh et al. (supra) also recognize that some aspects of security such as warmth are valuable qualities to have in a mate within a context of raising a child for example, or even relational functioning, making them more important to women. Accordingly, women may be more inclined to consider a prospective partner as an entire package.
What About Status and Security?
Regarding status, Brumbaugh et al. (supra) note that interestingly, neither women nor men were attracted to individuals who were high-status but insecure.
They found that for both sexes, attachment security was more important, even when secure targets were depicted as having less resources and ambition.
The single class of people who were attracted to insecure, high-status others were people who were highly anxious themselves.
The Connection Between Insecurity, Desirability
In the final analysis, Brumbaugh et al. (supra) observe that insecure partners are attractive when they exhibit desirable qualities and behaviors that could compensate for "attachment‐related shortcomings."
Accordingly, insecure people who are attractive or use authentic flattery may successfully initiate relationships despite their attachment insecurities.
Happy, healthy relationships involve more than checking boxes in all of the desirable categories. Insecure or not, viewing a prospective partner with interest, respect, compassion, understanding, and a healthy dose of humility may be more attractive than you think.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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