Politicians: What (Cartoon) Characters!

It is a mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes and appropriate, too, as Holmes is a fictional character. So much of this mystery is rooted in the fictional realm.

I would like to say I solved the mystery, but the best I can do is simply reveal the facts and hope that someone reading this may have the answer.

To claim to have solved the mystery would imply the ability to explain it, and I have yet to achieve that goal. I can only relay the story, reveal my observations and hold my breath for an explanation.

The implication, the possible explanations, even the most remote explanations all seem too frightening to entertain as possible answers to this riddle.

Is it a vast left-wing conspiracy? Or a deliberate and diabolical manipulation of time and space? Is it an undigested piece of beef? Is it a hybrid type of half man/half monster world existing simultaneously in a parallel dimension? Or is it just a big cosmic coincidence?

You'll have to judge.

I first became aware of the mystery this time last year, as the long national nightmare that was the Clinton administration began to wind down and the presidential election began to take off.

It was when those two events approached and then passed each other on the national arena that an eerie sense of déjà vu began to manifest itself.

I could not shake the feeling that I had seen all of this before. Events were historic, and yet I knew how each politician would act and react to most events. Everyone seemed so familiar. I was certain I had watched all of them in another place and time and under different, yet oddly similar situations.

Let me state at this point that I love politics and for this I make no apologies. I love politics because it is wonderfully interesting, educational and, yes, entertaining. People involved seem larger than life. The characters are simultaneously engaging and repugnant.

I am often charmed and enticed by the political arena, then equally repulsed by what I witness, and yet I can't stop watching. It was my overwhelming attention to politics that clued me in to this mystery.

On the surface and to the untrained eye the events following the last presidential election appeared to have been wildly erratic and incalculable. However, the reality was that there was a Byzantine sophistication and order that controlled the seemingly chaotic and spontaneous events.

Even the unpredictable aftermath of the recount seemed strangely predictable and the outcome predestined, directed largely by the predictable nature of the personalities involved.

It was the element of fear that first betrayed the presence of a mystery. It was a fleeting expression of fear that I first noticed on the face of Tipper Gore that clued me in to the bigger picture.

During the presidential campaign I couldn't help but notice that Tipper seemed uneasy; she seemed distracted by fear and worry.

This was particularly evident when she was present for Al's debates. I always imagined her standing in the wings just offstage during the debates, holding a soft Indian blanket, ready at a moment's notice to walk onstage, throw the blanket over Al's head and, aided by the Secret Service, lead him offstage.

She would do this the moment he said something irretrievably crazy. Al did say many crazy things, such as inventing the Internet, supporting small government, etc., but with the media's favorable handling of him, Tipper never had to use that blanket.

Witnessing Tipper's fear had a profound effect on me, for not only did it trigger a flashback to the first time I experienced fear myself, but it also started the process of slowly unraveling the mystery.

Rewind to the year 1957. I was three years old. I love cartoons, and for this I make no apologies. I love cartoons because they are interesting, with colorful characters, and they tell wonderful stories about characters that seem larger than life.

Popeye is one of my favorites. I was sitting on the floor watching one Saturday when a new character arrived, Alice the Goon.

She was tall and stiff, had large shoulders, acted almost robotic at times, her head moved in unison with her body, she had an expressionless facial gaze and an odd habit of repetitive speech: "I love Popeye, I love Popeye,” etc. She was fixated, obsessed and single-minded on winning Popeye.

She absolutely terrified me. I wanted to run to my mother, but fear had paralyzed my body. The only movement I could manage was to slowly cover my toes with the hem of my flannel nightgown. Alice the Goon, I imagined, was creepy enough to reach through the television and grab my toes.

Hey, it could happen.

Fast-forward to the year 2000. I am 38 years old (new math taught at public schools, okay?). I'm sitting in a booth at a local restaurant watching the presidential debate. Something about Gore's mannerisms triggers the sensation of déjà vu, even though he has used a new and different personality for each of the three debates.

On this night Gore seemed uncomfortable in his own skin, he acted almost robotic at times, he appeared stiff, his head moved in unison with his body, he had an expressionless facial gaze and an odd habit of repetitive speech: "no controlling legal authority,” etc. He was fixated, obsessed and single-minded on winning the election.

He was scary and oddly familiar. He was, in fact ... Alice the Goon!

AHHHHHH, my life had come full circle, or would that be fool circle? Paralyzed by fear, the only movement I could manage was to toss the rest of my Courvoisier down my throat and hope that Al Gore, aka Alice the Goon, wasn't creepy enough to reach through the television and grab my toes.

Hey, it could happen.

The mystery was now a loose thread on the enigmatic tapestry of life's unanswerable questions. The unwinding thread had revealed Gore's cartoon persona, but he was, by no means, the only cartoon character to assume human status.

Still not fully comprehending the why of this mystery, keen observation and tenacious research have helped me match many of the major players on today's political stage with their cartoon alter egos. I submit them now for your perusal.

How many times have we witnessed Bugs Bunny jump down a rabbit hole, watched Elmer Fudd stick the barrel of his rifle down that very hole and then watch as Bugs taps Elmer on the shoulder and asks, "What's up, Doc?”

"I'm huntin' wabbit,” answers Elmer.

"Oh, you hunting rabbit, huh, Doc?” replies Bugs.

If you have seen that one scene, you have experienced the yearlong impeachment two-step between Bill Clinton and Trent Lott.

Bugs Bunny is the consummate wiseass; so, too, is Bill Clinton. Who but Bugs and Bill could dance around the meaning of the word

Who could allegedly rape a woman, coolly slip on a pair of sunglasses, glance at her swollen face and say, "You'd better put some ice on that?" No one but Bugs and Bill.

Who but Elmer and Trent could watch all of that and not feel compelled to put the truth to their lie? Who but Trent Lott, aka Elmer Fudd, sworn to uphold the Constitution and wabbit hunter extraordinaire straddling the rabbit hole, would fail to go to the Ford Building and then complain, "You're not going to dump this in my lap, Henry,” at the one crucial moment in history when fate would call them to be courageous statesmen?

Amazingly similar tastes in clothes: Seahag dresses in black with red scarf around neck, Hillary dresses in black pantsuits with different colored sweaters tied around neck.

Seahag chased Popeye, not because of love, but to steal his spinach (i.e., power). Hillary stands by Bill, not because of love, but to steal his power (i.e., spinach).

Hillary's main goal has always been to grab as much personal power as she could, and the country, the voter, her party all be dammed. She tried in Bill's first term to socialize one-seventh of the country's economy with her medical plan, which was overwhelmingly rejected by the great majority of Americans.

A good public servant bends to the desires of his or her constituents. A power-hungry public servant ignores the public's consensus and continues to push her own agenda, as Hillary is still doing.

With Hillary's six-year supply of spinach, thanks to New York voters, she has apparently learned how to cook frog, a deadly combination. The socialized medicine plan, which will ruin the world's best health-care system, is being implemented in small ways, such as the Chips program and the Patients' Bill of Rights.

Seahag is unrelenting and needs to be watched and feared – and certainly not supplied with any more spinach.

The politically correct way to describe Mr. Magoo would be "visually challenged." Plainly speaking, he would be described as blind as a bat. Mr. Magoo was a smiling, carefree character who glided through life oblivious to the peril that his actions could cause him or others.

Just as a smiling Republican Sen. John McCain goes through life proposing bills that would devastate his own Republican Party, such as campaign finance reform. He is blind to the First Amendment to the Constitution, which states "Congress shall make no law ... abridging the freedom of speech. ...”

He supports a patients' Bill of Rights, aiding socialized medicine. He supports gun control, which is in direct violation of the Second Amendment. He gets behind the Kyoto Treaty, which would unfairly and unproportionately punish our country's economic output without even helping the environment. Every bill McCain proposes undermines the Constitution that he swore to uphold.

Mr. Magoo had some kind of divine protection that saved him from the consequences of his "blindness,” not unlike the way the press saves and protects Sen. McCain from his actions. They never report on the three petitions circulating in his state to recall his election. Nor do they ever cast him in a negative light, especially when he is at odds with his own Republican Party.

McCain is "blind” to the fact that the press and the Democrats use him to target their philosophical enemies. McCain just smiles, blindly drives the Constitution over a cliff and walks away without a scratch, to the cheers of the press and the Democrats.

Porky Pig is a lovable character. He is friendly and soft-spoken. He stutters, which endears him to the public and removes from their mind the undeniable fact that he is, after all, still a pig. A pig with a huge appetite ... for power.

Daschle's unassuming Porky Pig demeanor belies the fact that he is operating his position as majority leader of the Senate as some type of pseudo-presidential seat of power. He has been successful at setting the voting agenda of the Senate. Don't expect the press to point out the obvious and yell, "Hey, he's just a Democratic pig from a sparsely populated state that voted Republican in the last presidential election.”

What is the one most overwhelming aspect these two have in common? Answer: Being underestimated. What easily defeats their opponents? Answer: Being underestimated. What is their best secret weapon? Answer: Being underestimated.

Compact, fast-moving, confident and quick-acting, they tend to leave their lumbering competition in the dust of defeat. Amazingly similar fight songs, same tune, different words: "Here I come to save the day!" sounds a lot like "Hang on, help is on the way!"

Dudley Do-Right was a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman; good posture, straight arrow and all-around good guy, big time. Ditto Cheney. Cheney is also fond of repeating the phrase "Hang on, help is on the way!” Ditto Dudley Do-Right.

"I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” was Wimpy's famous refrain. Could a single sentence more concisely convey the Democratic philosophy than this pathetic attempt to mooch a meal?

Actually, Wimpy could represent all the Democratic senators and their penchant for borrowing from future generations to pay for the failed social programs of today. Buying the votes that keep them in office, with taxpayers' money. Knowing that when tomorrow comes and the roof finally caves in on all their failed social programs, they will all be long gone.

When Wile E. Coyote paints the opening of a tunnel on the side of a large boulder we all know it's a ruse, but then the Road Runner zooms through the opening as if it were real. We are all confused; even Wile E. Coyote tries to run through after, but gets flattened by the boulder.

When the Democrats stand up on the floor of the House and say that Republicans want to starve children, or Republicans want your grandparents to die, or they poison the air or water, we all know that those statements are not true, but then the Mainstream Press picks up the lie and runs with it as if it were all true.

We are confused; even the Democrats must shake their heads and laugh at the ease with which they can get away with such lies. Easier than taking candy from a baby.

This mystery encompasses even the minor players on today's political stage, such as