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Tuesday Jan 16 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Miners in Africa have found a massive 910 carat diamond worth tens of millions of dollars. The diamond will go to either a museum or to Beyoncé the next time Jay-Z cheats on her.

President Trump’s doctor predicted that the president will live a long life. As a result, the doctor is now treating Melania Trump for depression.

President Trump had a physical today. After Trump’s exam, his doctor said he found “no cognitive or mental issues whatsoever.” But the doctor did say, “Keep in mind, I am a proctologist.”

The Mormon Church has picked a new leader and he’s 93 years old. Which is why they’re getting together on Friday to pick another new leader.

President Trump broke with tradition and spent Martin Luther King Jr. Day playing golf instead of performing a community service. However, many people say that any time Donald Trump’s not in the White House, he’s performing a community service.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

The White House began enforcing a ban on smartphones and other personal communication devices for staffers and guests. From now on you have to check your phone at the White House even you’re there working all day. Guess they are worried people might use their phones to secretly find out which painting they resemble.

They are doing this to cut down on the information leaking to the press. You know the stories they say are fake? They don’t want those leaking out, because they’re not.

The cellphone ban is in effect will and it will remain indefinitely. Which is tough for the people trying to work there; earlier today, the White House staff was gathered around a rotary phone trying to play HQ Trivia. It was very sad.

But the ban doesn’t apply to everyone. The only White House staffer who didn’t surrender his phone? Donald J. Trump — the one person who really SHOULD have the phone taken away from him.

It was a big day for President Trump. Today was the live results show for his annual checkup. Trump’s doctor spoke to members of the press for about an hour today sharing the results of his first physical since taking office. The doctor said the examination went exceptionally well — which means he was able to get Trump to stop eating fried chicken long enough to take his blood pressure.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, the White House doctor, said he has no concerns about Trump’s cognitive ability. Well, that makes one of us.

He said despite the fact that he is borderline obese, Trump is in excellent health. How could he be in excellent health? When he sneezes, gravy comes out.

Donald Trump clocked in, according to the doctor, at 6’3” and 239 pounds — even though his driver’s license in New York says 6’2”… I guess he’s getting taller as he ages. It’s very common.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today at the White House, President Trump had a meeting with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Trump calls him, “Heyyy... buddy.”

The results of Trump’s physical came out today. White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson said President Trump is in excellent health. Trump thanked Jackson, and told him to say hi to his brothers, Jermaine and Tito.

I saw that Trump spent yesterday playing golf instead of commemorating Martin Luther King Jr. People were pretty upset — then they thought about what Trump would’ve said and were like, “Probably a good move.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s ex-wife is defending him, after it came out that he made racist comments last week. Trump was like, “Wait a minute — which ex-wife, and which racist comments?”

Of course, not everyone’s standing by him. In an editorial, a former Trump employee called the president “mercurial, difficult, demanding, mean, and petulant.” Trump was like, “I understood ‘mean.’”

I saw that Patriots star Rob Gronkowski taped a new PSA where he warns about the dangers of eating Tide detergent pods. Which backfired when 10 seconds into the ad, he ate a Tide detergent pod. “What’s this ad for again?”

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 35% of people would give President Trump an overall “F” for his first year in office. Or as Trump tweeted it, “I have been given the fifth highest grade of any president in history.”

The White House physician today gave a report on President Trump’s first physical exam and said Trump takes Propecia to avoid male pattern baldness. I guess it’s working [shows pic of Trump with windblown wild hair], because there doesn’t seem to be a pattern.

According to The Washington Post, the meeting where President Trump used an expletive to describe African countries was dominated by loud crosstalk and swearing. But on the bright side [shows pic of money-filled “swear jar”], Mike Pence made $75.

President Trump today made a surprise appearance at a Women of America panel at the White House. Said Trump, “Four, four, six, three, seven, six. All right, let’s move on to the bikini competition.”

According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to label news they don’t like as fake, while Democrats are more likely to label news they don’t like as Fox.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

The president made some comment last week about foreign countries. So this is the point in the show where we find out what CBS will let me say when I try to repeat what the president said.

As you know, last week President Trump pleasantly referred to many foreign countries as “s***holes.” Yesterday, Trump attacked Sen. Dick Durbin for confirming what he said behind closed doors, tweeting: “Senator Dicky Durbin totally misrepresented what was said at the DACA meeting.” The most upsetting part of this tweet is not Trump’s attack; it’s that the best nickname Trump could come up with for Dick Durbin is Dicky Durbin.

He just added a “y.” That’s not the Trump we know. What happened to the Trump that came up with Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary? Put some effort into it! How about Double-Crossing Dick? Or Disturbin’ Durbin?

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

There has been a whole lot of talk about Donald Trump’s fitness for office lately. He took a physical last Friday, and today we got the results from his doctor, Ronny Jackson. Right off the bat, the doctor broke big news: “The heart exam was normal.” So, despite all evidence, Donald Trump does have a heart.

With the president being 6’3” and 239 pounds, according to the body mass index by the Federal Health and Human Services Department Trump is overweight and just one pound shy of obesity. One pound short of being obese — that’s awfully convenient. “Listen, Doc, I feel like this wad of cash is about one pound, why don’t you take that off my hands and weigh me again?”

Anybody here drink water but wish you could pay more for it? Well, good news, folks, because the next big startup craze in Silicon Valley is companies offering consumers the chance to get “off the water grid” with something called “raw water,” which is water that is unfiltered, untreated, and unsterilized. Wow, drinking that sounds un-sane.

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