How often are you verbally cruel or nasty to your partner? I would hope that the answer is “never,” but in reality, partners often say mean things to each other.

If you’re the verbally hostile or mean partner, you need to understand that what you say in haste can loosen the emotional bonds of safety that are necessary for many people, (perhaps especially women) to feel safe enough to be sexual.

What sex therapists know and the general public does not understand is that past the “lust” stage, sex can be fueled by feelings of attachment and safety.

Typically, the person who says mean things believes that they “don’t’ mean anything by it” and that when the episode is over, the whole thing is forgotten.

For the person who was mistreated, the episode of hurt lingers. (To read more, click here.)

Never underestimate the amount of trust it takes to take off your clothes and be naked with another person, even someone you know well. We are all sensitive to criticism, and never more sensitive than when we are disrobed.

So if your sexual relationship has grown cold or distant, ask yourself if this is the reason why.