"How do I say it?"
I'm overrun with callers timid about frank declarations.
These range from intrusive parents and difficult family members to annoying co-workers, decaying friendships, and end-of-life situations. The general answer is to say the truth — plainly, simply, briefly, and as pleasantly as possible.
For example: end-of-life situations.
Some people won’t visit dying friends/relatives because they are so uncomfortable about the dying part and figure that there is something in particular they are supposed to know to say to the dying person to make them feel better.
The last time I took this type of call I asked the caller: "What would you want to hear?"
After a bit of stammering, as it is unpleasant to consider your end minutes, they usually say things like: "I love you. You were a good mom/dad/ friend. I will remember all the wonderful times (and give a lovely example), and I will miss you and never forget our relationship."
When someone knows they are dying imminently, there is nothing to say to cheer them up about that. But letting them know their life mattered to you and that you will miss them is a lovely end note.
Let’s talk now about decaying relationships.
Some callers relate that their long-term friend was either always difficult (and they put up with it for the few benefits or because they were too weak to stand up to it), or the friend’s behavior took a path that the caller does not want to deal with.
An example of the latter is dumping one’s family for a new honey and not following through on responsibilities to the children left behind.
That’s when the caller talks about some of the good moments, the length of time the relationship lasted, the sense of not wanting to be judgmental, the fear of being yelled at, the loss of some connection to someone, and so on.
After talking to the caller about all those, I remind them that the quality of their lawn depends heavily on the plucking of pesky weeds. "You are not happy in the so-called friendship, yet you seem to not be able to imagine the freedom that comes from telling the truth."
If you explain briefly and clearly that there have been wonderful times, but the main experience at this point is not so wonderful (like over-drinking, becoming overly demanding and dependent, whining daily, not reciprocating); and that you have decided to "take a break" from the relationship until certain things change.
Yes they will yell, scream, blame, criticize, condemn, threaten, and maybe cry — anything but become introspective and consider your points — and that is exactly why you are making this choice!
Other callers complain about small things that they get irate about or wish to demand from their husbands. I explain that persisting in being annoyed with him does not make him want to be a better man.
More than a thousand times I have told women to find a quiet time, sit on his lap, put your arms around this neck, and gently breathe into his ear and say: "Honey, I was hoping that this year we could see my mom for Mother’s Day.
"I know your mom will probably give you h**l, but sweetie, it would make me so happy if you would do this for me."
Now, isn’t this approach better than the usual: "You are such a momma’s boy. We always do what you want. I am sick of your mother always involved in our lives," and so on.
A man can always hear his woman better when she is on his lap with her lips close to his face. In general, it works beautifully if you just say the truth calmly and succinctly.
So, when you are scared to speak up because you don’t want anyone mad at you, speak up anyway because if you don’t your life is not yours.
It belongs to the person causing you distress or harm.
Dr. Laura (Laura Schlessinger) is a well-known radio personality and best-selling author. She appears regularly on many television shows and in many publications. Read Dr. Laura's Reports — More Here.
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