Thursday Sep 08 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was “shampoo, rinse, and repeat.”
Don’t they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
The cool thing about the Reagan Library is that they have Reagan’s Air Force One plane parked inside. That’s about as close to Air Force One as any of them are going to get.
Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of “24.”
Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
Fun fact about Mitt Romney: He would appoint his hair “Secretary of Handsome.”
Fun fact about Rick Perry: In high school, voted most likely to execute 200 people.
Late Show with David Letterman
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
You could smell Rick Perry’s cologne through the TV.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of "Two and a Half Men"
If you had a hit show, I'd watch it (Ashton)
Television is a great way to avoid interacting with your family (Angus)
I need to pay for a really big new house (Jon)
If you don't, I'll make "Dude, Where's My Car? 2" (Ashton)
The economy sucks; our show's free — What more do you need? (Angus)
This season, we'll reveal who the mother is (Jon)
We're switching to metric, so it'll be "4.023 Men" (Ashton)
I'm 35 years old (Angus)
It's like "The Odd Couple," but we get to use the word “wiener” (Jon)
Watch it, don't watch it — I get paid either way (Ashton)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was on this day that “Star Trek” premiered. Forty-five years ago, Americans gathered around their TVs and asked, “Is that guy wearing a toupee?”
Fashion Week starts today in New York. If you don’t know about Fashion Week, it’s like Shark Week for anyone that cares about clothes.
If you can tell, I’m very much into fashion. My outfit tonight is called “Creepy Uncle.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.
Then he told everyone to watch “The Pursuit of Happyness” and to do what Will Smith did.
I don’t get why everyone is hung up about getting jobs. Isn’t it better to stay up until 4:00 in the morning watching reruns of “Sanford and Son?”
The president said we need more products stamped “Made in America.” OK, let’s get the Chinese to get a stamp that says “Made in America.”
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was President Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.
Hey, I read about a McDonald’s in California that was built with mostly recycled synthetic material. Which is ironic because recycled synthetic material is also the main ingredient in a McRib.