Newark’s airport had to cancel 440 flights because of heavy snowstorms. That’s when you know it’s bad — when officials think it’s more dangerous to fly out of Newark than to spend the night there.

In New York City, it was so cold that at the upscale hotels, bedbugs were crawling around looking for extra blankets.

In Texas, it was so cold that Tom DeLay asked for an extra cell mate.

Ted Williams, the homeless man with the golden voice, has gone from being homeless to being famous, and now to rehab. So you know what’s next: “Dancing With the Stars.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, “Why is a woman talking?”

The FDA will require the makers of Vicodin and Percocet to reduce the most potent ingredient in the drugs. The announcement was made by the FDA’s medical chief, Dr. Buzzkill.

There’s a new website that allows you to use Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, surf the web, and read all the news in one place. That one place is called “work.”

Facebook is not popular in Japan because Japanese people are traditionally introverted and private. The report was written by someone who has never set foot in a Karaoke bar.

The Golden Globes will be on soon. It’s an excellent predictor of how boring the Academy Awards will be.

Hugh Hefner is engaged to a 24-year-old playmate, and he’s in his 80s. It will be her first marriage and Hugh Hefner thinks it will be his first marriage too.

Honestly, at Hugh Hefner’s age, she’s just there to blow on his soup.

Your measurements are 36, 24, and 36, but not in that order

Only thing you ever won was a buffalo wing eating contest

Ignoring advice from friends and family, you're keeping the handlebar mustache

You answer every question, "Que?"

Gown is made from dead Arkansas blackbirds

It's the first time you've been in front of a judge without handcuffs

Claim to be from East Dakota

Your talent is chugging a bottle of maple syrup

You take stage like Hillary Clinton boards an airplane

Las Vegas gives you the same odds as the Jets beating the Patriots

CBS announced that Charlie Sheen wasn’t on the set of “Two and a Half Men” because he had an ear infection. I get the feeling that CBS publicists just stopped trying.

Economists are predicting the end of Europe’s currency, the Euro. Instead of the Euro, they may have to fall on their old stand-by, the Speedo.

There used to be 13 signs of the Zodiac. The ancient Babylonians did away with the 13th sign because it crashed their computers or something.

After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made his third surprise visit of the week to Iraq. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like he's just lost in that area?

The Kardashian sisters are planning to launch their own clothing line at Sears later this year. The clothes will come in three sizes: Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe.

A town in Britain is making government employees submit written requests to have an office romance. That's going to be weird if the other person's not into it.

The FDA says it will limit the amount of pain reliever found in Vicodin. Which explains my new substitute for Vicodin: two Vicodin.