Tuesday Dec 14 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Do you believe those numbers all across the country? Five in Iowa, 13 in Wisconsin, 22 in Washington. And that's just President Obama’s approval ratings.
It was so cold at Rockefeller Center, a New York Jets coach was tripping the ice skaters.
It looks like unemployment is up. Especially if you're the guy who designed that inflatable dome where the Vikings play.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that’s what he said about the economy.
After a long and illustrious career, this is Larry King’s last week on TV. Larry said the call-in portion of his show really took off after they invented the telephone.
Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying “Some things are supposed to be private.”
Costco will no longer sell Apple products in their stores. Apparently, nobody wants a 124-pack of iPads.
Olive Garden recently sponsored a contest where the winner wins a trip to Italy. Personally, I’m hoping the winner is their chef.
Late Show with David Letterman
I went shopping at Macy’s and it was so busy, I had to ride stand-by on the escalator.
The people were all so rude. I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped. I’m going back tomorrow.
They say the Golden Globes predict the Academy Awards and I think that’s true — long and boring.
“Burlesque,” starring Cher, was nominated. Cher was elated and if she could still smile, she would have.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Jets Coach Excuses
"What? I was doing tai chi"
"I know it doesn't look like it from the videotape, but he started it"
"Distraught after realizing it’s Larry King's final week on CNN"
"The WikiLeaks guy made me do it"
"Come on, who doesn't love grabass?"
"I was jacked up on Four Loko, dude"
"Wanted to get on Marv Albert's blooper reel"
"Uh . . . restless leg syndrome?"
"Someone bet me five bucks to do it — now who's the idiot?"
"Hey, we won, didn't we? We didn't? Nevermind"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Golden Globe nominations were just announced. It’s the best award money can buy.
The Golden Globes are voted on by foreign journalists. In a spectacular display of understanding the business, they have nominated the movie “The Tourist” for best musical or comedy. Slight technical problem: It’s not a musical or a comedy.
The new Michael Jackson album is out in the record stores. When I heard that, I said, “There are still record stores?”
I’m not exposed to much music these days because I don’t listen to the radio while driving. It distracts me from texting.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
You wouldn’t know it in Los Angeles, but it’s freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don’t know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”
It was in the 60s in L.A., which isn’t too cold, but I got the worst brain freeze from a Slurpee I was drinking while walking in my flip-flops last night.
President Obama signed a bill to fight childhood obesity by making school lunches healthier. I’m going to miss the fat kids.
Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn’t we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don’t have hills?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Thursday is Larry King’s final show and CNN has apparently scheduled a bunch of surprises for it. Because if there’s one thing you want to give an elderly man who’s had quintuple bypass surgery, it’s lots of surprises.
President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he’s kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.
McDonald’s says that a hacker broke into its database and stole customer e-mails and phone information. I’m no health freak, but if McDonald’s has your e-mail and your phone number, you’re eating way too much McDonald’s.
A man in Illinois was arrested for throwing a dead squirrel at a Hardee’s employee through the drive-thru window. The employee was like, “Get as mad as you want sir, but like I said, no returns.”