Getting the Silent Treatment? You Can Handle It

With Paramours, Silence is Not Golden

One of the most frustrating situations within a romantic relationship is when your significant other doesn't want to talk.

Whether you suspect the reticence stems from anger or apathy, the silent treatment is no fun. How then, do you coax your other half to open up?

Or, should you simply respect the silence?

Research has some ideas:

Breaking the Silence

One of the most important aspects of weathering the silent treatment from a loved one is learning how to break it. Christine E. Rittenour et al. (2019) in the apt study, "Socializing the Silent Treatment," examined this issue in connection with parent and adult child communication.

Recognizing the silent treatment as "a relational-harming means of communicating disappointment in interpersonal relationships," they focused on the silent treatment’s role and use within a family.

They begin by acknowledging the withholding of negative feelings as a form of covert, destructive conflict, which sometimes reaches a breaking point in the form of unkind direct communication.

But they also recognize what most people within relationships have experienced: hurtful feelings often stem from the withholding itself.

Rittenour et al. (ibid.) note that even without an emotional flareup, interpersonal displeasure can manifest itself through denial, such as insisting everything is "fine," or disengagement.

They note that by definition, the silent treatment is motivated by a desire to keep the recipient uncertain as to his or her status in the mind of the silent partner, which they note makes it more difficult to weather than more unconcealed forms of expressing grievance or displeasure.

Among intimates, Rittenour et al. (supra) note that researchers have established that long-lasting silence causes great pain for the receiver (citing Williams, 2001).

What Does the Silent Treatment 'Look' Like?

Because partners imposing the silent treatment don’t talk, we are left with interpreting what we see. Rittenour et al. (supra) note that individuals who sanction through silence may exhibit aloofness, engage in less eye contact, and often ignore the receiver.

Because receivers are often driven to terminate such nonproductive relationships, researchers found what we might expect: a negative association between commitment and the use of the silent-treatment (Wright and Roloff, 2009).

But what if remaining silent is not malevolent, but benevolent?

Couples should certainly consider times when silence might save a relationship.

Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen

Most people have said something they wish they could take back.

Whether speaking out of anger or insensitivity, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. Remember the "Count to 10" trick before you speak out of emotion?

Similarly, some partners use silence to avoid saying something they will regret, recognizing that a closed mouth gathers no foot.

When a partner is silent, you need to know why.

He or she might have stopped communicating out of anger or apathy.

But also consider that some partners might go mute not out of malice, but to maintain their relationship. It depends on the circumstances, because context interprets content (or lack thereof).

Within established relationships, both partners will no doubt be familiar with each other's conflict management style. Some couples take a time out; others talk it out. It is a deviation from the norm that usually signals relational discord.

So when one partner needs some space and silence, extend the benefit of the doubt.

Take the time to reflect on the positive aspects of your relationship, as well as how it can be improved, and emerge refreshed, recharged, and prepare to lovingly re-engage.

This article was originally published in Psychology Today.

Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.