Many Eligible Bachelors Choose the Unattched Option
There are a variety of reasons both men and women prefer to fly solo.
But especially after a particular age, single men face unique questions. People speculate they must have a fear of commitment, have been betrayed in a prior relationship, or have some type of personality disorder.
Research indicates, however, the explanation may be far more straightforward.
Single by Choice?
Notwithstanding the proliferation and popularity of dating apps, it is also true that many people enjoy the freedom and flexibility of single life.
Even many daters are reluctant to take relationships to the next level if it involves sacrificing autonomy and independence. Indeed, we all have friends who lead fulfilling lives, who seem perfectly content keeping romantic relationships at arms-length, often to the dismay of their partners, who are often seeking greater intimacy.
We tend to psychoanalyze relationship-reluctant individuals, as if there was something "wrong" with them.
What happened to them in the past? Were they abandoned in childhood? Were they betrayed by an ex-partner? We also stereotype men as being the ones who are more likely to be gun-shy when it comes to relational intimacy or walking down the aisle.
Sometimes, relationship reluctance is indeed due to a past betrayal or broken heart.
Or, it's simply due to personal preference. According to research findings, for self-assured men in particular, singlehood signals success and satisfaction.
Single and Satisfied: The Significance of Self-Esteem
Menelaos Apostolou and Rafaella Philippou (2022) recently explored the effects of self-esteem and desirable traits on the decision to remain single.
They began by distinguishing between involuntary singlehood, i.e. people who would rather be in an intimate relationship, and those who are single by choice. They investigated the link between possessing valuable traits that people prefer in a partner, and self-esteem, on singlehood status.
For men, they found that self-esteem was a significant predictor for marital status, with higher scores correlated with a higher probability of being in a relationship, or single by choice, rather than being involuntarily single.
They found no such link between self-esteem and marital status for women.
The Deception of Desirability
Apostolou and Philippou (ibid.)also looked at the impact of desirable traits on relationship status.
They note that as referenced in current literature, such traits include intelligence, good character, appearance, social status, and resource acquisition potential. They observe that people who lack such qualities would find it harder to attract and retain intimate partners.
In their research, however, Apostolou and Philippou (supra) found that generally, for both genders, self-ratings of desirability did not directly predict marital status.
They did find, however, that some traits had significant indirect effects for men, the largest being "good looks," where higher scores were linked with higher self-esteem, which was associated with a higher likelihood of being in a relationship or single by choice.
Avoiding Stigma or Stereotype
When considering the agenda, aspirations, or relationship potential of single men, especially men who have aged out of their younger years, we recognize that we shouldn't stereotype or stigmatize.
But, we also should recognize the potential absence of ulterior explanations for resisting relationships; some men who are self-assured are simply single by choice.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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