Courtship involves contact and conversation. But in today’s world, mindful of the emphasis on respecting boundaries and social norms, how do you initiate engagement in a manner that is both endearing and effective?
Research gives us some ideas.
The Fine Art of Modern Flirting
Menelaos Apostolou and Christoforos Christoforou in "The Art of Flirting" (2020) explored the secrets to its success. They began by recognizing flirting as "an essential aspect of human interaction and key for the formation of intimate relationships."
Given its utility, they then explored what types of traits are effective when used by both men and women. Not surprisingly, they found a difference.
Apostolou and Christoforou first clarified the definition they were using for their research, stating that flirting refers to "covert signals sent between individuals to indicate sexual interest and begin courtship."
They identified 47 traits, which they classified into nine factors, finding gender differences.
They report that the most important factors were having good non-verbal behavior, intelligence, and using a gentle approach. Regarding sex differences: women rated a gentle approach as more effective when used on them, and men rated good looks as being more effective.
Older participants found the "Gentle approach" to be more effective.
Given that intelligence was one of the factors explored, Apostolou and Christoforou also noted how it is expressed, which includes being good using words and having a sense of humor.
Sure enough, they found humor to be related to intelligence in their research, although the moderate relationship suggested it was not viewed only as a sign of intelligence.
Regarding character, Apostolou and Christoforou described "Gentle approach," "Cheerfulness," and "Strong interest and romance" as factors that convey information about character.
They found that "Gentle approach" included "maturity," "seriousness," "discreteness," "good character," and "kindness."
Men and Women Interpret Flirting Differently
Regarding specific sex differences, Apostolou and Christoforou note that women found a partner’s interest in them as more important, and rated factors such as "Courage and determination" and "Strong interest and romance," as more effective than men did.
Yet by also noting the strong importance of "Gentle approach," women also expressed the importance of the approach of a prospective partner.
Apostolou and Christoforou noted that this factor showed the largest sex difference in results, which they note may be due to the fact that women interpreted this factor as expressing genuine interest.
Apostolou and Christoforou note that the importance of traits such as "maturity" and "seriousness" indicate women may view others with such traits as seeking a long-term relationship.
They suggest that another way to view this result is that a "rough approach" could be interpreted as indicating a focus only on sex. They explain that women may view a gentle approach as safter, given their heightened vulnerability to sexual assault.
Slow and Steady Signals Sincerity
Acknowledging a larger body of flirting research, when it comes to flirting strategy selection, there is no one-size-fits-all. Apostolou and Christoforou note that prior research shows that people look for different traits in a casual as opposed to a long-term partner, which might impact the effectiveness of the traits they identified.
In all cases, taking the time to get to know someone as both a person and a prospective paramour will facilitate a relationship based on trust, respect, and mutual interest. Slow and steady sparks romantic success.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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