Cleveland Indians Wimp Out, Secure Rights to New Name

Last summer we wrote about another cultural surrender that resulted from an increasingly angry tail demanding to wag a totally wimpy dog. (The complete column may be found here.)

That instance was in Cleveland, Ohio where a craven ownership decided to jettison the name "Cleveland Indians" for their baseball team. Instead of a name used since 1915, the team would now be named the "Cleveland Guardians."

Only those dummies couldn’t even organize their surrender properly. (There seems to be a lot of that going around these days. See Afghanistan for details.)

The name Guardians was already being used by the local roller derby team and they had gone to the trouble to trademark the name. A lawsuit was filed for trademark infringement after the baseball wizards made an insulting under 10K offer for the rights to Guardians.

It’s a stupid name anyway that reeks of focus group testing.

The alleged local relevance of the name is in reference to two art deco reliefs carved into the Hope Bridge that spans the Cuyahoga River.

The images don’t depict a human, a god, or even a politician.

The two stiffs are supposed to be the guardians of the traffic that passes between the statues on the bridge. In other words, two bollards with a face lift.

There is no significant tie to the city of Cleveland — or baseball for that matter.

We don’t even live in Cleveland and we came up with name ideas that make more sense.

Let’s begin with the "Cleveland Hazards."

This takes the middle name of Capt. Oliver Hazard Perry whose flotilla won the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812 and saved Cleveland from the British.

Or if the owners wanted to appease the George Floyd Industrial Complex, how about the "Cleveland Conductors" to commemorate the city’s role as a center of abolitionist sentiment prior to the Civil War and its being an important stop on the Underground Railroad?

For that matter "Cleveland Raiders" would also be an apt choice, since seven Ohio men where part of John Brown’s raid on Harper’s Ferry.

Assuming ownership had a sense of humor — no evidence of this has been found to date — they could have chosen the "Cleveland Burners" since Cleveland is famous as the city where the Cuyahoga River caught fire — as immortalized in Randy Newman’s song "Burn On."

Or finally, the "Cleveland Rockers" which incorporates three city references, The Drew Cary Show, its theme song "Cleveland Rocks" and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame located there.

Instead, the dull automatons in the front office stuck the fans with Guardians, which was already in use.

If only the roller derby ownership had been as tough as the team’s skaters.

Instead of jealously guarding their name and potentially forcing the baseball buffoons to choose a more suitable name, the derby front office settled out of court and now both organizations will be using the Guardians.

Ugh.

Our advice to Cleveland Indians baseball fans is simple. Treat the new team with the same indifference that team ownership treated your feelings regarding the Indians name.

Michael Reagan, the eldest son of President Reagan, is a Newsmax TV analyst. A syndicated columnist and author, he chairs The Reagan Legacy Foundation. Michael is an in-demand speaker with Premiere speaker's bureau. Read Michael Reagan's Reports — More Here.