Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is funding a major effort to find extraterrestrial life. Zuckerberg said, "I truly believe somewhere out there is intelligent life whose personal data I can sell."

President Trump is urging West Virginians to vote against a Republican Senate candidate who is a convicted felon. Trump said, "I don't want that guy in the Senate — I want him to be my next lawyer!"

People are pointing out that Melania Trump's new kid's initiative "Be Best" sounds a lot like Michelle Obama's initiative, "Be Better." Not only that, Melania wants to copy Michelle Obama's other idea of moving out of the White House immediately.

It's come out that Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to soon-to-be royal Meghan Markle. This means there's a chance that one day there will be a "King Mookie."

In a new interview, billionaire Warren Buffett called Bitcoin "rat poison." Which is an unfair comparison because people actually understand how rat poison works.

In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard found the skeleton of a 16,000-year-old horse. After hearing about it, Arby's asked, "Any meat on those bones?"

We had an earthquake 4.5 on the Richter scale at right around 5 a.m. this morning. Did you feel it? I didn't either. I slept right through it. Whenever we have an earthquake in L.A., first thing you do is stay calm and, as quickly as you can, get to your phone to post "Anyone feel that?" on social media. That's how we handle it.

The epicenter was about 90 miles away in a town that's known primarily for outlet stores, Cabazon. The quake was especially intense there. But don't worry. Ann Taylor Loft is OK. There was no damage.

In a way it was refreshing to wake up to an earthquake that didn't come from the president's Twitter account for a change.

Yesterday the president announced that he'd be making an announcement at 2:00 this afternoon on the future of our nuclear pact with Iran. He's been teasing this like it's a new "Star Wars" trailer.

Trump said the Iran deal is a horrible one-sided deal. It never should have been made. I bet anything he hasn't read one word of that deal. He knows none of the details. This is not a popular decision. Lawmakers from both parties spoke out against this. The British prime minister and French president said they regretted Trump's choice. Even Russia said they were disappointed, though that is a lie. They love it.

Trump said he will re-impose sanctions on Iran.  And, as a result, Iran said they will immediately resume enriching uranium. But Trump says if Iran doesn't fall in line, look out." [video of Trump] "If the regime continues its nuclear aspirations, it will have bigger problems than it has ever had before." That's right, don't test him, Iran. He will turn your whole country into a poorly run casino like THAT!

Meanwhile, the president's legal team will decide next week whether or not he should testify before special counsel Robert Mueller. Trump could sit with Robert Mueller and get caught in a lie or even worse, get caught in the truth, which would be devastating.

The Wall Street Journal reports that Trump's lawyers put him through a four-hour practice session. They were only able to get through two questions. He's like the old lady from "The Notebook." "OK, first things first: Your name is Donald Trump and you're president of the United States. Go."

Trump's lawyers requested that he be able to answer the special counsel's questions in writing instead of in person. Robert Mueller said no. That makes sense. Look at his handwriting. [photo of Trump holding signed document with spiky signature] They'd have to bring in a cardiologist to translate it for them.

The president's lawyers don't trust him to answer questions but they do trust him to be president. It makes no sense at all.

The president is also said to be unhappy with his newest attorney, Rudy Giuliani. He's been making a mess on cable and network news. Trump is reportedly irritated and disappointed by the interviews Giuliani's been giving. He's like, "Look, I'll say the crazy stuff. You stick to pretending it isn't crazy." Can you imagine being so rambling, incoherent, and contradictory that even Donald Trump is like, "You're embarrassing me."

They say he may even ban Giuliani from doing any more interviews. I hope not. It would be like when they killed off Mr. Eko on "Lost." It's too soon.

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. Our entire audience is filled with New York City public school teachers. Be honest, how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here?

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder."

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw.

Today, teachers can get buy one, get one free burritos at Chipotle. Or as students put it, "Looks like we're going to have a substitute tomorrow."

President Trump is getting annoyed with Rudy Giuliani's TV appearances, because he keeps going off-topic. Trump staffers were like, "Yeah, it must be really awful having to deal with that."

Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It's all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster.

President Trump today officially announced the U.S. would pull out of the Iran nuclear deal. I have to say I'm kind of surprised. Usually when Trump doesn't like a deal he just stays in it and violates all the terms.

President Trump announced today that the U.S. will pull out of the Iran deal and said, "When I make promises, I keep them." Then Melania laughed so hard her mouth fell off.

According to The Wall Street Journal, during a recent informal four-hour practice session for an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller, President Trump's lawyers were only able to walk him through two questions. To be fair, No. 3 was when they started to get tough. "And what's your third child's name?" "Oh, no, oh. Oh, I'm screwed. I want to say it's not Barney."

According to CNN, President Trump has been flustered by the negative coverage generated by Rudy Giuliani's recent interviews. As opposed to Giuliani, who is only flustered by lights, cameras, questions, and talking.

Yesterday, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders disputed reports that first lady Melania Trump lives with her parents in Washington, D.C., and not at the White House. While Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and said she is, and gave out the address.

Facebook is adding a new feature that will allow people to use Facebook as an online dating app. Facebook might be good at this. They already did such a good job matching up American voters with Russian trolls.

Hasn't Facebook always been a dating site? Specifically, for married men in their 50s who leave their wives after reconnecting with their high school sweetheart. That's it, isn't it?

I'm not sure Facebook understands why we use Facebook. Facebook isn't for finding dates; it's for finding people we used to date. Then we silently judge them, feel better about ourselves. That's the only use for Facebook.

Meanwhile, Instagram just announced their own new update — they'll be adding a new anti-bullying filter to weed out insulting comments. Once bullying is removed from Instagram, you'll only be able to find it on every single other website on the Internet.

But a bully filter is a great idea. And they should be applauded for this, but you know what would be even more useful? A brunch filter. As soon as someone posts a photo of their avocado toast, they are immediately removed from the site.

A high school in Michigan has faced a backlash after announcing that female students who attend prom wearing revealing dresses will be given something called a "modesty poncho." Yes, because we all know bare shoulders are the most dangerous thing threatening school kids these days.

This is supposed to promote wholesome values, like the wholesome scene of a 64-year-old shop teacher staring at a female student and saying, "Hey! You look way too hot tonight."

A new species of water beetle discovered in Malaysian Borneo has been named, and they've named this beetle after the actor Leonardo DiCaprio. To which Leonardo DiCaprio said, "Thank you? I guess?" Coincidentally, Malaysian Borneo is where Leonardo DiCaprio's next girlfriend was born in 2001.