It is first lady Melania Trump’s birthday today. The president celebrated this morning with a bonkers 30-minute-long phone call to "Fox & Friends," at the start of which they asked, what'd you get Melania for her birthday? He said he's too busy to buy her a present — keeping in mind he said this during a 30-minute-long rambling call to “Fox & Friends.”

He told them he got her a beautiful card. A beautiful green card.

And then during the interview, Trump accidentally admitted that Michael Cohen did represent him in the Stormy Daniels “please be quiet now” case. So, happy birthday, honey!

I mean, if ever there was a year to get your wife a nice gift, this would be it. This would be the year. If you could spend $130,000 on a porn star, you could at least spring for a necklace. Right?

Bill Cosby, one of the most beloved and successful TV stars of all-time, was convicted on three counts of indecent assault today. He could very well spend the rest of his life eating pudding in prison.

So they asked Trump, since he isn't getting enough credit, they asked him to assess his own performance to date. What grade do you think the president gave himself? Let's find out. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” That's right, A-plus. Not an A, an A-plus. Just an unbiased review from a guy who names everything from neck ties to meat after himself, an A-plus. I'm going to miss him when he's arrested, I really am.

Trump's nominee to run the Department of Veterans Affairs, Dr. Ronny Jackson, his White House doctor, officially withdrew his name from consideration after a lot of bad press. Now Trump has to find someone else to run the VA. Somebody he knows, he wants somebody he trusts. Maybe Colonel Sanders would do it. He's in the military. He knows chickens.

It is "Avengers" week on the show. Actually, we're doing a special promotion tonight in honor of “The Avengers.” If you can name all 64 of the heroes who are rumored to be in the new film, you win your virginity back. 

We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! Alexis Bledel is here. She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Stepbrothers" with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with … Kevin Bacon!

This morning, President Trump did a live phone interview with "Fox & Friends." It was tough for Trump. He didn't know whether to focus on the questions or watch himself on TV.

You could tell that Trump was excited to call in to his favorite show. When they answered the phone, Trump was like, "Am I the first caller? What did I win?"

I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump. It's her birthday. Melania made a wish, blew out her candles, opened her eyes and said, "Oh, crap, he's still here."

During Trump's "Fox & Friends" interview, they asked him what he got Melania for her birthday. Listen to what he said. [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that ’cause I might get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I tell you what, she has done — I got her a beautiful card.” And I bet it was a business card. But still, it's — she loved it.

I heard there's a new Amazon Alexa coming out that's made just for kids. After an hour of answering your kid’s nonstop questions, it just puts on a movie to shut them up.

Today Americans celebrated national Take Our Sons and Daughters to Work Day. Tomorrow kids will celebrate New Appreciation for Going to School Day.

Subway just announced they are closing 500 restaurants. People were stunned. They were like, "Subway considers itself a restaurant?"

Bill Cosby has been found guilty on all counts, and now faces 10 years in prison for each of his three crimes. Oh man, please tell me his lawyer is Michael Cohen.

In an interview today, President Trump said that he's been too busy to buy first lady Melania Trump a birthday gift. Oh please, I mean it wouldn't take that long. I'm sure the only gift she wants is an open White House door, and a 10-minute head start.

President Trump in an interview today said former FBI director James Comey didn't write the memos detailing their interactions accurately, but whose memory are you going to trust? The guy who wrote everything down immediately, or the guy who had to name his son Donald Jr. so he wouldn't forget it?

The Senate today confirmed CIA director Mike Pompeo as secretary of state. Trump says he's excited, and looks forward to working with him for the next week or so.

President Trump said today that he thinks NBC should treat him more fairly because he made the network a fortune, but I hate to break it to you Donald, [shows pic from “SNL” Trump spoof] that's Alec Baldwin.

It was reported that disgraced CBS anchor Charlie Rose is developing a show where he'll interview other men brought down by the MeToo movement, which brings us to a new segment called "Just, No." No. No! NO!

President Trump said today that he would rather have an election based on the popular vote, and when Hillary heard that, she laughed so hard her pantsuit changed colors.

As part of an event honoring Germany's girls' day yesterday, German chancellor Angela Merkel was seen interacting with a robot, [photo of Merkel with Mike Pence] and it looks like they got along.

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University?

Trump called in on a special day. It's his wife Melania's birthday. Listen to what Trump says when they asked him what he got her as a gift. [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that ’cause I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I tell you what, she has done — I got her a beautiful card. You know, I’m very busy to be out looking for presents, OK?” THIS is the question he doesn't lie about? Just lie about that one! We don't care, we’re fine with you lying about that.

Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.”

Yesterday, at Madame Tussauds wax museum in New York, former White House press secretary Sean Spicer unveiled a wax figure of first lady Melania Trump to join the existing one of her husband. Those wax figures look so realistic. They actually have more chemistry than the real couple.

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box.

It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us.

The big story is that in his retrial today, Bill Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault. You know, in the MeToo era, it is gratifying to see a sexual predator, however powerful or popular, finally brought to justice. But you can't forget, there are plenty still at large. Speaking of which, Donald Trump called in...

Donald Trump called in to "Fox & Friends" today. Did anybody see it? Did anybody see this? Are you OK? Because the interview started strong, but then the president started talking. [Trump clip] “Good morning, and I picked a very, very special day because it is Melania's birthday. So I said, ‘Let's do it on Melania's birthday.’” He also tried that line on Melania — no go.

Then, "Fox & Friends" asked the obvious follow-up: [“Fox & Friends” host] “Do you want to tell us what you got her?” [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that because I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I'll tell you what, she has done — I got her a beautiful card.” You're a billionaire! You got your wife a card?! Do you know what she puts up with? I think she's earned a shopping spree. I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth.

When asked to give himself a letter grade, Trump showed his trademark humility: [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus. Nobody has done what I’ve been able to do, and I did it despite the fact that I have a phony cloud over my head that doesn’t exist.” Sir, that’s not a phony cloud — that’s your hair.

This interview was insane. It was rambling. It was so loud. It sounded like he was shouting the whole time. I just had the image of an unbathed Donald Trump shambling around in his bathrobe. Neither “Fox” nor “Friend” could get a word in edgewise.

But in their defense, they had to rush the leader of the free world off the phone to get to their actual next news segment: "Buck's famous scrambled eggs!" The secret ingredient is changing the subject.

And while Trump was on the foxy, friendly "Fox & Friends," we got an update on Trump's personal physician, Dr. Ronny Jackson. Dr. Jackson has been under fire for drinking on the job and doling out prescription medication. And this morning, Dr. Jackson withdrew as the nominee to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. Yup. Yeah. Maybe not the right guy for the job.

Dr. Jackson's withdrawal is not exactly a surprise. This scandal keeps getting worse. For instance, today we learned that his on-the-job alcohol use was so routine that there was “a standing order to leave a bottle of rum and Diet Coke in Dr. Jackson's hotel room on official travel." Oh, he's not just drinking. He's “freshman Spring Break in Cancun" drinking. "It's diet! It's good for me. I can't even taste the rum."

But Jackson denies the charges and says he's bowing out because these false allegations have become a distraction for the president. To be fair, jangly keys are a distraction for this president.