The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyberattacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement.

It’s come out that President Trump enjoys eating cheeseburgers in bed, which explains why Melania likes to go to bed disguised as a salad.

Everybody’s talking about President Trump’s physical exam yesterday. Medical experts are saying that considering his eating habits, President Trump is surprisingly healthy. When told this, Melania said, “OK, time for Plan B.”

During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon bits.

In an interview, former porn star Stormy Daniels said she had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006. To which Stormy’s shocked husband said, “Wait, you told me I was your first!”

Saturday will mark the anniversary of President Trump’s first year in office, and he’s wrapping it up on a bit of a low note. According to Gallup, Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any first-year president, 39%. Which still seems high to me. Two out of five Americans are going, “Great job, man, you’re nailing it. Let’s go watch ‘The Emoji Movie’ again, I loved that too.”

To put that number, 39%, in perspective, a Muslim socialist president who was born in Kenya left office with an approval rating of 58%.

On the bright side, Trump did magically grow an inch and lose 30 pounds just before his physical yesterday.

While his approval rating may be low, his coronary calcium score is high — so high that Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN said he believes the president has heart disease. In response, Trump had Sanjay Gupta deported by ICE.

A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange.

They did this test, and Trump answered 30 out of 30 questions right. The White House said it was the greatest “30 for 30” since the O.J. documentary on ESPN.

Jeff Flake, the Republican senator from Arizona, gave a blistering speech from the floor of the Senate, condemning Trump’s attacks on the press and comparing the president to Stalin. I don’t know, Stalin had much thicker hair. That feels unfair to me.

Flake didn’t hold back. He called the president reprehensible and accused him of inspiring dictators around the world — and then continued voting right along with him on every major issue. It’s what they call “flake news.”

Speaking of fake news, today is the day the president promised to hand out his most corrupt and dishonest media awards. Trump continually complains that coverage by the mainstream media is negative. And that is true, of course it’s been negative — when you cover a train wreck you don’t give equal time to the train.

A lot of people were skeptical when they heard Trump only weighs 239 pounds. But it actually checks out when you remember that for the weigh-in, Trump took off his clothes and hair.

Still, they say Trump hopes to drop 10-15 pounds this year. While Melania hopes to drop 239.

Today, Sen. Jeff Flake gave a big speech on the Senate floor, and he compared President Trump to Russian dictator Joseph Stalin. Trump said, “Why? ’Cuz we were both elected by Russians?”

After he was accused of making racist remarks in a meeting last week, Trump tweeted that his approval rating among black voters has doubled. That story again: Two times zero is still zero.

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...”

Yesterday, in Japan, someone sent a false alert about a North Korean missile. Then the guy who sent it said, “Yeah... I might’ve lied about why I left my last job in Hawaii.”

The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough.

The U.K. just appointed its first-ever “Minister of Loneliness.” Even worse, she’s the only person in the world with that job.

Congrats to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who just welcomed a baby girl this week! I don’t have a joke for that — I just wanna think back to the good old days when THAT would be our lead story. Remember that? Wasn’t that nice?

After the White House released the results of President Trump’s physical, Sports Illustrated said that based on Trump’s size he would most likely play linebacker or tight end in the NFL. And based on his tweets he’s most likely a player who would be placed in the concussion protocol.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the salacious new book on the inner workings of the Trump White House is set to become a TV series. They’re calling it “The Worst Wing.”

According to a new report, President Trump’s alleged affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels lasted 11 months. Wow, only Trump would date a porn star and then dump her right before he had to buy her an anniversary present.

Remember a few weeks back when President Trump announced that he was going to reveal the winners of his fake news awards? He said that they would be awards for the most corrupt and biased reporting. Well, tonight was the day, and he finally announced them. When we went to watch the awards, the website immediately crashed.

This is what most people saw when they went to the page [screenshot of Trump giving thumbs-up with headline “404 Error”]. Is that the website for the fake news awards or the current website for the United States of America? Only Trump would put a picture of himself giving a thumbs-up next to the message that says “Error.”

Eventually we got through and it was just a website. There was no show, no celebrity presenters, no Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. It was literally just a typed-up list. That’s what he kept us waiting for. That is not an awards ceremony; that is a Craigslist ad.

It was no surprise an award was given to CNN. They won for falsely reporting that Trump overfed fish on his trip to Japan. Glad he cleared that up, because that’s the crisis in Asia looming on the horizon that everyone is worried about. Not nuclear missiles — bloated koi fish.

Tonight was the long-awaited, rescheduled day that Donald Trump announced his fake media awards, the Fakies. And I’m proud to say that at 5:15 today, “The Late Show” won Fakest in Late Night. On behalf of everyone here at “The Late Show” I just want to say thank you, sir. And I would say I’m humbled, but I think we deserve it — in part because I’m lying right now, we didn’t win.

Meanwhile, this is good news: We still have a government for, like, 48 hours, something like that. You see, after the breakdown of DACA negotiations, Congress is hurtling toward a government shutdown. Well, maybe not hurtling. The average age of a U.S. senator is 62, so shambling.

Despite controlling the presidency and both houses of Congress, the GOP needs Democratic votes to keep the government open. The Democrats will only do that if Trump supports DACA, but Trump will only agree to DACA if he gets his border wall. It’s all detailed in the new thriller [pic of Trump and congressional leaders] “Taken 4: Oops, All Kidnappers.”

Of course, the nation is still reeling from the shocking news that our president is perfectly healthy. Yesterday, the president’s doctor declared Trump in excellent physical and cognitive health. Yeah, Trump should be on the cover of “Men’s Health,” or rather, “Men’s HEALTH?!”