The phrase “I just want . . .” is a deadly trap people fall into because of desperation, wishful thinking, or a fear of having to take some action that will make them uncomfortable.
When do I hear that phrase? Usually when folks are asking about family or marital situations that are just untenable. Typically, in their second (or third or fourth) marriage, they complain that they completely disagree with the way their spouse is handling children from previous marriages. “He just gives them money whenever they want it, and he doesn’t support me when they are rude to me. I just want to be respected in my own home.”
Second marriages, when children are involved, have over a 70 percent divorce rate specifically because of the tensions developed over the fact that the non-parent has absolutely no power or say in how the biological parent chooses to parent.
Because of the divorce and the ensuing hardships, the biological parent usually lives with tremendous guilt and tries to make it up to the children by indulging them.
Another area of “I just want” is when a family member or friend is an addict.
Families agonize in guilt over giving money or helping addicts by maybe letting them move in until they “get on their feet” (oh, please).
Usually one family member is selected by the mob to be the scapegoat for the sacrificing and caregiving. “My siblings are constantly calling me telling me I should do more.” is what I hear. I feel terrible for these scapegoats. I said to one such woman recently, “You’ve been doing and giving for years. Has he changed?” “No,” she replied. “Why do you think that is?” You’d think the natural response would be that you can’t change people against their will.
Some people get angry at me over that answer. “Well, you don’t think people can change?” they challenge.
Of course they can — when they want to. People don’t change because someone gives them money for drugs and alcohol or opens their house to the chaos they bring.
I told one wife that she had to take a stand. Her teenage son was being as nasty to her as her husband had been for most of their marriage. I told her to tell them both that she was moving in with her parents because she refused to tolerate abusive behavior from them.
She said she’d do it.
I just want has to be followed with specific actions that liberate you from what you just have.
Dr. Laura (Laura Schlessinger) is a well-known radio personality and best-selling author. She appears regularly on many television shows and in many publications. Read more reports from Dr. Laura — Click Here Now.
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