President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for asylum in Russia, but Vladimir Putin is against it. You know, if Snowden really wants to stay in Russia he should just speak out against Putin. He'll get to stay in Russia the rest of his life.
We are proud to say that Los Angeles has one of the lowest crime rates of any major city. You know why? We don’t have an NFL team.
As you may have heard, 34 NFL players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, most NFL instant replays are now just playbacks of strip club security-camera footage.
Millions of Americans await the return of the Twinkie. Meanwhile, millions of British citizens await the arrival of the royal baby. Basically we're both waiting for something that's long, soft, and will probably last 80 years.
McDonald's plans to open its first restaurant in Vietnam. So it looks like we might win that war after all.
Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, "Let me know how that works out for you."
It's rumored the new play station controller will measure the degree to which you are sweating. In response, gamers asked, "What's sweating?"
Twinkies are back. The Twinkies are healthier now. The version that you can buy now are free-range Twinkies.
You can get the Twinkies at your favorite supermarket or wherever you buy sponge rubber and foam insulation products.
Earlier tonight here in New York City was the baseball midsummer classic, the All-Star Game. It's illegal in baseball to use performance-enhancing drugs, but I watched the All-Star Game. Every commercial was for Viagra.
During the All-Star Game my son said, "Dad, did he say 'reptile dysfunction'? And I said, "Yeah, he did. They're talking about malfunctioning reptiles."
Robert Galbraith's novel "The Cuckoo's Calling" has become an overnight best-seller. Robert Galbraith is a pen name for J.K. Rowling, who is the author of the "Harry Potter" books. She says she used the alias to avoid the connotations that come with her real name. That's something to keep in mind for your next cookbook, Paula Deen.
There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like "Barks & Recreation" and "Game of Bones."
Six employees at L.A.'s Cedars-Sinai hospital have been fired for snooping through Kim Kardashian's medical records. Kim was upset. She said it was an invasion of her privacy, and all three of her cameramen agreed.
Pope Francis is on summer vacation right now and apparently he's been spotted driving around in a Ford Focus. So I guess he takes that vow of celibacy very seriously.
Russian President, Vladimir Putin rode a submarine to the bottom of the ocean to look at the remains of an old shipwreck. And also because "SpongeBob knows too much."