Labor Day, in case you don't know history, was established all the way back in 1894 as a way to give Americans an extra day to dread going back to work after the weekend. And it's been very successful. We were off for two weeks. And it's interesting. When we left, we were busy reliving the Civil War. Now we're back with the good old-fashioned Korean War.

Pumpkin spice latte season is happening now, which is great news. My doctor's been saying I haven't been getting enough syrup in my diet.

Meanwhile, our pumpkin spice president was very busy. He was on the scene in Houston over the weekend to meet with Texans affected by Hurricane Harvey. And watch this. He's with a group. They were serving meals to people who were displaced from their homes. They handed him a pair of latex gloves for health reasons because he's serving food. And here's how that went: "My hands are too big." His hands are too big for the gloves. Like O.J. They're too big.

This morning our president woke up and asked his staff, "Now that this hurricane is over, what's something horrible I can do to distract people from the Russia investigation?" Someone said, "You know, there are 800,000 innocent kids you could deport for no good reason." And he said, "Done and done."

President Trump has decided to do away with what's known as the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals — DACA, they call it. It's a program that gives undocumented immigrants whose parents brought them into the country when they were children the chance to work and go to school legally. And this is what he wants to do away with. Mostly because President Obama's the one who ordered it. It seems like his main agenda is just to undo everything Obama did. I hope he doesn't bring bin Laden back to life.

The president's spokesperson said it was a difficult decision, the president's been debating it for months, but ultimately Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American they have to do it the right way. By marrying Donald Trump. And that's as simple as that.

It was announced today that President Trump is ending the DACA program, and may deport immigrants who came to the U.S. decades ago. Many people are outraged, while Melania was like, "Well, rules are rules."

Lot of celebrity babies are happening right now. It was just announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child. Kate's very excited about the baby. In fact, she said that she can already feel it waving.

I also want to say congratulations to Serena Williams, who just welcomed a baby girl. The doctor gave the baby to Serena, then Serena returned it, then the doctor sent it back, then Serena returned it again, and won the point. It was amazing to watch.

I read that a sailboat near Greece that was in distress was busted for carrying 1,500 pounds of marijuana. Actually, the boat wasn't actually in distress. Turns out it was just being paranoid.

Former President Obama today criticized President Trump's decision to end the DACA program. Of course, the only reason Trump wants to end it is because he thinks DACA is Obama's middle name. "We must end the failed policies of Barack DACA Hussein Obama."

Incidentally, DACA is also what Hillary Clinton shouts at the bar when she wants another daiquiri. "Can I get a DACA?"

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently praised his running of the city, saying, "You'd assume they'd be having parades in the streets." Unfortunately, New Yorkers can't get to the streets because they're stuck underground on the subway all day.

Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms.

Mercedes-Benz will debut plans next month for a self-driving electric smart car. The car is so smart, when you turn it on, it drives straight out of America.

Starbucks is adding a sushi burrito to the menu at some of its locations. So, yes, their bathrooms CAN get any worse.

Donald Trump decided to end DACA — a program that protects young undocumented immigrants from being deported. So, now, this means a lot of immigrants may get sent back to their native countries. When she heard this, Melania said, "I volunteer as tribute."

The announcement was formally made by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who spoke about the young people facing deportation. And, during the announcement, he said, "This does not mean they are bad people." To which everyone replied, "No, YOU’RE bad people."

The immigrants who have benefited from DACA are called Dreamers. Sessions explained that the kids will still be Dreamers, but in more of a "Nightmare on Elm Street" sort of way.

Already the states of New York and Washington say that they have plans to sue Trump over this. And that feels like a way to judge whether you're a good president or not. Ask yourself, "How many U.S. states are currently suing me right now?" If it's more than zero, you could improve.

Journalists asked Russian President Vladimir Putin if he was disappointed in Donald Trump, and Putin replied that it was a naïve question to ask because Trump is "not my bride." That's a weird way to explain it. Putin said Trump is "not my bride." But a second later he was all, "More like my b***h!"

Of course, Putin and Trump aren't married. Trump would never marry someone who is only seven years younger than him. Not to mention, Putin's [breasts] just aren't big enough.

Is everyone excited for the Stephen King movie "It?" It's coming out this weekend. It's the one about the evil clown. Well, bad news. The World Clown Association has released a statement condemning the movie, saying that it's preventing clowns from getting work. I don't think I'm alone in saying it's hard to take you seriously when your organization is called the World Clown Association.

Harvey is an unprecedented disaster. I'm clear in saying that. That's true, right? Speaking of unprecedented disasters, Donald Trump. He went down to Texas and had a little trouble nailing the comforter-in-chief tone, like when he spoke to a group of locals and said, "What a crowd, what a turnout." That crowd was really excited to see Donald Trump. Or, they heard there'd be drinking water. Either way, pretty excited.

There's a man-made disaster unfolding in Washington because the Trump administration has announced they're ending the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA. The thing is, the vast majority of Americans like this program, so by canceling it, Trump has stepped in some deep DACA.

Earlier today, he tweeted, "Congress, get ready to do your job. DACA!" He loves the abbreviations. "DACA! MAGA! MAGA! DACA!" He's speaking in tongues at this point, is what is happening.