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Wednesday May 24 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Today, President Trump was at the Vatican meeting with Pope Francis. The world leader who believes himself the embodiment of God on Earth said he’s a big fan of the Pope.

While he was there, President Trump gave Pope Francis several books written by Martin Luther King. Then Trump said, “In my opinion, King’s best books were ‘The Shining’ and ‘Pet Sematary.’”

During their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal. Then Melania said, “Hey, if anyone deserves a medal here, it’s me!”

According to the Senate, President Trump’s budget is dead on arrival. In other words, Trump’s budget is covered by Trump’s healthcare plan.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Today was a historic day, a holy day. His Holiness met His Bigliness at the Vatican today. President Trump happened to be in Italy so he stopped by to say hello to Pope Francis. It went well. There are no major incidents. Trump felt very at home at the Vatican. He said it reminded him of one of the bathrooms at his house.

The Pope made it clear he would like our president to join him in promoting peace, giving aid to the poor, and protecting our environment. The Pope is very persuasive. Unfortunately, Trump is only in year 70 of his 100-year deal with the devil right now. And he’s got a no-trade clause.

At the Vatican the leaders exchanged gifts. The Pope gave the president a collection of writings, as well as a medal depicting an olive branch, the symbol of peace. And President Trump gave the pontiff a “Make America Great Again” hat. And a box of Trump steaks.

So after their meeting, Trump said he would never forget what the Pope told him. Then he immediately forgot what the Pope told him.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president.

That’s right, Trump met with the Pope. Though it got weird when Trump was like, “Jesus only had 12 followers? Sad. His tweets must’ve been terrible!”

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn’t confession.

Pope Francis met with President Trump today at the Vatican. “Bless you, my child,” said the Pope to the driver that took Trump away.

More people attended Broadway shows this year than attended the events of all 10 local pro sports teams combined. This according to Bryce’s PowerPoint entitled “Why I Should Be Allowed to Do Plays, Dad.”

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?”


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