A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election.

President Trump is considering opening federal park land to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon.

Today President Trump tweeted, “Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!” And this is historic — it’s the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant.

There’s a new device being sold by Amazon that helps users choose what clothes to wear. When you buy the device, Amazon says, “Customers who liked this may also like ‘a gay best friend.’”

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now.

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin’ Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin’ Donuts.

I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old today! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald.

They celebrated like they always do: making sure Donald has something to unwrap too, so he doesn’t feel left out.

I read that the Republicans’ spending package does not include any money for Trump’s border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, “Get me the CEO of Lego.”

Chris Christie says that he’d give Trump a “B” on his first 100 days. Then said he’d give him an “A” on immigration, and a “C” on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling “bacon.”

More trouble for United Airlines: This week, one of their flights had to make an emergency landing in Costa Rica after an engine overheated. United’s flight attendants quickly evacuated the plane by picking up passengers and throwing them down the inflatable slide.

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush.

President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it’s pretty much the same as his old plan: He’s not gonna pay them.

President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I’m guessing Trump wanted to trade ... faces?

According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing.

Today was first lady Melania Trump’s birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for.

The NFL Draft is this week and the Houston Texans will announce some of their picks from outer space, using astronauts aboard the International Space Station. Meanwhile the Patriots will announce their picks from a Russian spy satellite.

United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children.

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God!

But it’s not just Coke; Trump also has a button that he presses whenever there is a protest, and it makes Kendall Jenner come out and give everyone a Pepsi.

Yesterday Sen. Ted Cruz introduced a bill to Congress called the El Chapo Act, which would use money seized from the Mexican drug lord El Chapo to pay for Donald Trump’s border wall. Now, this is a story about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and El Chapo — and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who to root for here.

They’re calling it the El Chapo Act because what better way to build a wall than with money from a guy who’s famous for tunneling under walls?

Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, “Wait, you pay your workers?”

Big news out of Washington, D.C., just this afternoon, as the White House finally released Trump’s tax plan. That plan? Never release Trump’s taxes.

The Trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. “In 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions. Today, the basic 1040 form has 79 lines and 211 pages of instructions.” 1935 was the height of the Great Depression, so the two-page form was just “Page 1: Do you have money? Yes or no.” And page 2 was so you would have something to eat.

Congratulations to Greta Van Susteren on her new, show “For the Record.” If you remember, for years, her old show on Fox News was called “On the Record.” Because “for” the record, she no longer believes anything she said that was “on” the record. I look forward to seeing her future CNN show, “Please Erase the Record.”