Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, “Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.”

At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.

Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to “cut taxes bigly.” Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll “speak more goodly.”

The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is “hey, u up?”

Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — “I pretended I was talking to my family.” Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.

Every year, Intel comes out with a list of the most dangerous celebrities. These are people who, when you search for them online, you’re at risk of getting a virus or malware or the mumps, or whatever you get from the computer.

I know Carson and I’ll tell you something, once we were at a restaurant, there was no ketchup on the table, and he murdered the waiter. This was at brunch. He’s a dangerous guy.

Last year I was the 26th most dangerous. Before that, in 2014, I was No. 1. I was the No. 1 most dangerous. This year, I’ve plummeted to number 32. Which is still a dangerous number. That was O.J.’s number.

According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.

But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.

Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote.

It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.

IMDb, which provides information about movies and TV shows, will no longer be allowed to include an actor’s age as part of their biography. Which is great news for people who have never heard of Wikipedia where you can get that information immediately.

What an important new law! I’m glad actors can now have their lawyers remove their ages from IMDb. Until now all they’ve been able to do is have their doctors remove it from their faces.

There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump’s hair popped out and saw its shadow.

The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, “Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?”

It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.

President Obama’s upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you’re in a small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, “the Oval Office.”

Yesterday, a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so long to report the hack of 500 million users. That’s how little faith they have in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER.

A man in Washington State was fined this week for trying to drive in a carpool lane with a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump glued to his passenger seat. Cops became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving.

Starting next month Uber will try to compete with New York City’s subway by offering unlimited carpool rides in Manhattan for $200. So your choice, New York: a crowded train, or dropping off a drug dealer in Queens before heading to work.

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement for early settlers would be that they are, quote “ready to die.” Said Hillary, “I’ll let you know November 9th.”

There was big uproar on the internet last night when Rob Kardashian posted Kylie Jenner’s phone number on Twitter to all of his 7 million followers. Rob said he did this because he was angry that the Kardashian family didn’t invite his fiancée to a baby shower. I cannot think of something nicer than not getting invited to a baby shower.

This week a woman came home from a vacation in Florida to find the two burglars who had ransacked her house were still there having sex on her couch. The woman came home to find valuables missing and an orgy in her living room — that is normally called Airbnb.

If you ever wondered why your grandmother is so particular about covering her sofa in plastic, now you know.

Lord knows what she is going to do with all the stuff they didn’t steal. Do you know what I mean? I would say if you are walking through today, I would think twice about grabbing that free couch that has been left on the sidewalk.