Tom Hanks is here tonight to tell us about his movie "Sully," a story about a group of Somali pirates who hijack Tom's plane and threaten his life with a box of chocolates or something like that.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back-to-back in front of a crowd of American veterans. The winner, the leader who came off strongest and best last night, was Vladimir Putin.

Donald Trump loves Vladimir Putin. After all is said and done, if he doesn't become president, at the least, Donald Trump will have amazing sex with Vladimir Putin.

The one guy Donald Trump has nothing bad to say about is Vladimir Putin. Maybe he is afraid Putin will cut off his supply of wives.

Tonight’s the rematch of the Super Bowl between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. Broncos will be without quarterback Peyton Manning this year. Peyton retired at the end of last season so he could spend more time grocery shopping with Lionel Richie.

The New York Mets signed ex-NFL player Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. Proof that God exists — or doesn't; I am not sure. If this doesn't work out, he may never lose his virginity.

According to new research from the CDC, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana than their teenage kids. In other words, your mom finally made weed uncool like she did to Myspace.

The use of marijuana by older Americans has skyrocketed. It is up 455 percent since 2002 — which, of course, is the year Oprah made it one of her Favorite Things.

Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson.

Football started tonight with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6."

New York's Fashion Week kicked off yesterday. A crowded runway where people keep going in circles, or as most New Yorkers call that, LaGuardia.

Speaking of Kanye, he reportedly set a record this week, selling almost $800,000 worth of merchandise at Madison Square Garden — beating the record held by Pope Francis when he held Mass there. So if you're keeping score, that's Yeezus one, Jesus zero.

Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence broke with his running mate yesterday, saying that unlike Donald Trump, he does not doubt that President Obama was born in Hawaii. Though interestingly, Pence refused to respond when asked if it was true that he was born in Lego Land.

A man in Australia was caught last week smuggling half a million dollars’ worth of cocaine in his stomach in Sydney airport. In his defense, it would have cost him OVER a million if he bought it AT the airport.

A new study suggests that “starchiness” should be added as a new taste to the five basic tastes that humans can detect. One researcher’s wife was like, “Next time you can just say you didn't like it.”

A food festival in Los Angeles has announced they'll be holding a seminar on cooking with marijuana. The way it works is, you put a frozen pizza in the oven and then you find it the next day when you wake up.

Last night was NBC's Commander-in-Chief Forum where Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump gave live back-to-back interviews about national security, and the candidates decided who would go first with a coin toss. But there was an awkward moment when Trump saw the coin, grabbed it, and put it in his pocket. “So what? I didn't see a coin, what coin, what are you talking about?”

In all seriousness Donald Trump called heads, but just in case he lost he also called the whole thing rigged.

The forum was hosted by “Today Show” host Matt Lauer and a lot of people were very angry with his performance last night. Not Apple-losing-the-headphone-jack angry, but they were angry.

Much of the criticism stemmed from Lauer not pressing Trump when he lied or didn't answer questions. My question is, how did Matt Lauer even end up with this job? Was there a conversation at NBC like, “You know who would be great for the presidential forum?” And they were like, “Oh, the guy on ‘The Today Show’ who excitedly announces they're now making pumpkin spice marshmallows.”

Last night they held, like, an appetizer debate — an “amuse douche,” if you will. It was called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding.

It took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea.

Since last night was not technically a debate, there's no real winner. But many have declared a loser: Matt Lauer. New York magazine summed up by saying, "Matt Lauer's interviews of Clinton and Trump were a complete disgrace to journalism." Which I think is unfair. Come on. A complete disgrace to journalism would be Matt Lauer dressing up as Paris Hilton.