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Thursday Feb 18 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

In South Carolina, things are looking up for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz for the first time is ahead of Donald Trump in a national poll. Of course Trump is suing the poll.

The poll is what they call an outlier. Every other national poll shows Trump with a big lead. In fact, it's such an outlier, it might just be a liar without the out.

The Pope is in Mexico and on his way home he was asked about Donald Trump, and the Pope said, "A person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not building bridges is not a Christian." Which of course is nonsense — Donald Trump made it very clear that his favorite book is the Bible.

If I told you two years ago that Donald Trump would be in a fight with the Pope you'd think I was insane. I mean this makes Taylor Swift versus Kanye West look like nothing.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Pope Francis scolded a crowd in Mexico this week after people excited to touch him accidentally made him fall. Even the devil was like, "Oh you all messed up now."

When asked about Donald Trump, Pope Francis said that people who build walls are not Christians. And Donald said, "Of course I'm a Christian. Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?"

During a CNN town hall last night, Ted Cruz was talking about how much he likes singing and even treated the crowd to a little Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder was like, "Even I know that dude is white."

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is getting the support of students at Hillary Clinton's alma mater, Wellesley College. Now Hillary Clinton is trying to get the support of Bernie's alma mater, Jurassic Park.

IKEA is being accused of evading over $1 billion in taxes. Prosecutors have actually been after IKEA for years. They've just been having a hard time putting their case together.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Ben Carson said during last night’s town hall that he shoots pool to relax. Oh, he shoots pool? Because based on his energy level, I would have guessed heroin.

Donald Trump responded to criticism from Pope Francis today, and said the pontiff will wish Trump was president "if and when" the Vatican is attacked by ISIS. Though I think what he meant to say was, "That’s a nice Vatican you got there. It would be a shame if somethin' was to happen to it."

The University of Texas has decided to allow students to carry guns in the classroom. The school says it’s a guaranteed way to prevent the possibility of a pop quiz.

A Delta flight on Monday had to stay in the air for 30 hours due to weather delays on the East Coast. Even worse, when one customer got off the plane, no one had texted her.

A Chinese man recently held what he called a “pre-funeral” for himself to see how many people would show up to his real funeral. And if he’s the kind of guy who would do that, I’m going to guess not many.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Do you know how wrong you have to be for a Pope to dislike you? I mean the Pope's entire thing is literally forgiveness. Pope John Paul hung out with the guy who tried to assassinate him and now Pope Francis is like, "I can't with this Trump guy. I can't."

Trump fired back saying the Pope will wish Donald Trump were president if the Vatican is ever attacked. I have to say, the one time I think people will wish Trump was president is if Ted Cruz is president.

In a historic move, the Pope also suggested that it might be acceptable to use contraception in order to prevent the spread of the Zika virus. That's not surprising to me because once you start debating with Donald Trump, birth control starts to seem like a pretty good idea.

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