A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.

The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix-up, Celine Dion and a white tiger.

Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS."

Critics are saying the new "Star Wars" film has strongly-written female characters. The most surprising of these is the new breakout character, "She-Bacca."

Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, "I expect to win Iowa." Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy.

For Christmas, first lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed."

All the schools in Los Angeles were closed today because someone sent the school system a threatening email. They got a similar note in New York and decided it was a hoax — the schools stayed open. Here in L.A. we have so many implants we don't know the difference between real and fake anymore.

The debate starring Donald Trump and friends took place at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, moderated by Celine Dion.

Chris Christie got moved up from what they call the kids' table to the main debate. Apparently he ate everything on the kids' table so they had to move him.

Trump leads Ted Cruz by 27 points in the new Monmouth poll. I don't know if I trust these polls. Basically Donald Trump is leading among people who still answer their landline at their house.

They're saying that this could be one of the warmest Christmases in 30 years. Last Christmas, people left out milk and cookies for Santa. This Christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of Mitchum deodorant.

Last Christmas, Santa made a list of who's naughty or nice. This Christmas, Santa made a list of who has central air and who doesn't.

Last Christmas, you went to an ugly sweater party. This Christmas, you're going to an ugly, sweaty party.

A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now increasing her lead over Bernie Sanders. Experts say Bernie would need something major to regain people's attention. Then Bernie was like, "All right, leak the sex tape."

Ahead of tonight's Republican debate over on CNN, Donald Trump's doctor released his medical records. He said that Trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. Which explains how Trump got so good at ruining a party.

"Star Wars" fans reportedly started camping out in line for last night's "Star Wars" premiere over a week in advance. Said the fans, "This counts as sleeping with someone, right?"

The fifth Republican presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Now, obviously, we taped the show before it aired, but I think I can do a recap anyway — Trump offended minorities, Cruz dissed Obama, and John Kasich ate his podium out of frustration.

Tonight's Republican debate was held at the Venetian in Las Vegas, which means that for just one night, Celine Dion won't be the loudest thing in Las Vegas.

After protesters interrupted a Donald Trump rally last night, some attendees were heard yelling the Nazi salute "Sieg heil." Which is alarming, but it doesn't mean that Donald Trump is the same as Hitler. It just means that if you looked up Hitler on Amazon, Trump might show up in the "You may also like" section.

Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans.

Bush has sent an email to his supporters promising that as an early Christmas present, if you give him $25, you won't receive any more email requests for cash the rest of the year. It's a political strategy borrowed from the mob.

"Hey, this is a real nice inbox you got here. I would hate to see something happen to it, if you know what I'm saying. Gimme $25, and that problem goes away. I'm Jeby the Knuckles, and I approved this message."