Barbara Walters admitted to stealing an artifact from the White House. She said, "I was young, and I didn't think President Lincoln would mind."

The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates.

A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, "Hey, both of those games went into overtime."

The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games over deflate-gate. They're going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.

People come up to me all the time and they say, "Jimmy . . . what are you planning for your final show?" And I think: Oh, my God, after all this time, we're going to start planning now?

Happy Mother's Day. It's a day of fresh flowers and old grievances.

Mom and I went out to brunch. Olive Garden was great.

Mom is so sweet. On her way out, she takes the manager aside and puts in a good word for me.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I saw a lot of people were posting old photos of themselves as a kid with their moms. Because what better gift to give your mother than a photo of how she used to look before you completely wore her down.

In celebration of Mother's Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, "Thanks, Obama."

According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.

If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, "Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'" That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.

Happy Mother's Day. Yesterday, President Obama personally called three mothers who had written him letters recently. Man, do I feel sorry for any of their kids who forgot to call.

The mother would say, "Oh, you didn't have time to call. Do you know who did have time? The president — of the United States of America — yeah, that president. So no, flowers on Wednesday does not make it OK."

The White House is testing out new spikes that would make it difficult to jump the fence. So if you're wondering what kind of cutting-edge technology the Secret Service is using to protect the president, it's spikes. I think someone saw an episode of "Game of Thrones."

Kanye West's ex-girlfriend accused him of using ghost writers to come up with his music. Kim Kardashian defending Kanye by saying, "He doesn't even know any ghosts. And even if he did, how could they pick up the pencil with their ghost hands?"

I'd like to wish my wife a happy Mother's Day. However, in England Mother's Day was on March 15. My wife and I also celebrated it then. But Father's Day is on the same day both here and in the U.K. That doesn't seem fair to me.

I'm not saying my wife is undeserving of two Mother's Days. I'm just saying she doesn't have a husband who plans for two Mother's Days. Where do you find a card that says "Happy Second Mother's Day"?

But my Mother's Day argument sort of fell apart yesterday when I asked, "Are we really going to practice every American custom," as I watched the NBA playoffs with a Budweiser in my hand.

The movies "Furious 7" and "Avengers" already have made $1 billion each in just two weeks. I'm lucky if I earn that much in a year! To put it in perspective, they would need to make the movie "Mortdecai" one billion times to make that much money.