According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone.

Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So it's very important tonight that I express that everybody who works at our comedy show, all of us are terribly sad for the families and people of France and anybody in the world tonight who now has to think twice before making a joke. It's not the way it's supposed to be.

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

On the TV this morning the weatherman said to dress warm if you're going outside. If you need a TV weatherman to remind you to dress warm, you've got bigger problems than the cold weather.

Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.

They found O.J. Simpson's long-lost Heisman Trophy. So we can all sleep better tonight. No word on the long-lost murder weapon.

In Las Vegas, the Consumer Electronics Show is going on. It displays new technology that makes you already hate the TV you bought two weeks ago for Christmas.

The Consumer Electronics Show included a Wi-Fi kettle, which is a kettle that lets you boil water from anywhere in your house. Gee, finally.

The Consumer Electronics Show also features high-tech gadgets for pets. One device is a smart feeder, which costs $250. That is a ridiculous amount to spend on a dog bowl — unless your dog is a very, very good boy.

Another device lets you talk to your dog while you're at work, and another monitors how many calories your dog burns throughout the day. Do we need gadgets like this? There's already a device that tells you how your dog is feeling. It's called a tail.

President Obama met with the president of Mexico. When asked what it's like to govern 100 million Mexican people, Obama said, "It can be challenging."

Some more news out of Washington. During a recent interview, a White House adviser said Joe Biden is the reason President Obama got elected both times. Then he said, “He's also the reason we got banned from Applebee's."

Congrats to former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara, who celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary yesterday, and it's actually the longest presidential marriage since John Adams. Or as Barbara calls Adams, "my first love."

Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.

The FDA is warning New Yorkers about Chinese food after a major Brooklyn distributor was found with rats and birds nesting in boxes of ingredients. The distributor says it's all a misunderstanding — those ARE the ingredients.

The next time you eat Chinese food, know that a bird slept there.

Tonight for the first time since November, Bill Cosby returned to the stage for a show in Canada — because, you know, in Canada pills are cheaper.

Bill Gates says he is a strong advocate of technology that converts human feces into drinkable water. After he drank it, he said he would happily drink it every day. But remember, this is a guy who still uses a PC.