Tuesday Jul 21 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Good news for California – Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently found a way to close the state’s $26 billion budget shortfall. Schwarzenegger says it won’t be pretty but times like this call for a sequel to “Jingle All the Way.”
Here’s Schwarzenegger idea to close the state’s $26 billion budget deficit — Fresno is now part of China.
The new “Harry Potter” movie is a sensation— “Harry Potter” fans have started playing quidditch on college campuses across the country, but since their brooms don’t fly, they just pretend they do. It’s actually based on one of J.K. Rowling’s lesser-known works, “Harry Potter and the Silent Cry for Help.”
Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside.
Late Show with David Letterman
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo mission. This was the first time in the history of travel where three guys went on a business trip, and there was no fooling around.
Tomorrow is the solar eclipse in India. It’s the longest eclipse — 6 minutes, 39 seconds. Actually 6 minutes, 9 seconds . . . there’ll be a commercial for iPhone.
President Obama is being criticized for wearing baggy “dad jeans” at the All-Star Game. He says they have him all wrong if they want a president in tight jeans. President in tight jeans? Wasn’t that Al Gore’s campaign slogan?
Baggy dad jeans — popularized, of course, by Rosie O’Donnell.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Stewart Cink
10. I forgot my clubs, so I had to putt with my shoe
9. Instead of "fore" I often yell "hit the deck losers"
8. I can fit seven golf balls in my mouth
7. Most people think I sell plumbing supplies
6. I called Tiger Woods last night, I laughed and I hung up
5. This morning I drove from JFK to midtown in a golf cart
4. I once got my tongue caught in a ball washer
3. My street name is 50-Cink
2. I've already spent my winnings on gum
2. I've already spent my winnings on gum
1. Even I was rooting for Tom Watson
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s Belgian Independence Day. They’ve given the world so much . . . the Belgian waffle . . . but it’s great.
Belgium is a nice place, though. It’s the place people go to when they’re on their way to another place, a place they’re going to spend more time at. It’s kind of the Jennifer Aniston of countries.
Belgium is the Mexico of the Netherlands.
In parts of Belgium they still speak Flemish. It’s a language based entirely on flem.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s hot, and the power companies are asking us to conserve energy. I’ve never understood this since they’re in the business of selling energy. It’s like McDonald’s asking you to slow down on the burgers or something.
They’re worried about power outages. They’re saying that if everyone just puts their thermostats a few degrees higher . . . like 74 instead of 71, we’d be fine. I’ll do that in October when it isn’t so hot.
I think the people of California should harness the power of the Octobabies.
President Obama found himself defending the jeans he wore to the All-Star Game. Meredith Vieira asked him about them. He said, “For those of you who want their president in tight jeans, that’s not me.” We don’t want tight jeans, we just want him to buy them in the men’s section.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Millions in India are excited about the solar eclipse. It’s all they’re talking about. Which makes tomorrow the worst possible day to need tech support.
On Monday, Robert Gates announced they need an additional 22,000 troops to speed up the withdrawal in Iraq. It’s all part of the administration’s new exit strategy — reverse psychology.
A new book reveals that George Bush’s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, were a nightmare to keep tabs on. The girls said, “That’s not true — we had tabs in every bar we went to.”
TLC is creating a new reality show that follows a morbidly obese family’s everyday challenges. It called “Jon & Kate Were Delicious.”