Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC.

You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.

New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship.

Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won’t try to board them now.

Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.

We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.

Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night.

Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.

It's the Ides of March. That means today you have to be extra careful to avoid a disaster. If you're watching this show, you clearly didn't heed the warnings.

Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business.

Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the "Egyptian Taylor Swift."

After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.

There’s talk that “Today” show host Matt Lauer is the top choice to replace Alex Trebek when he leaves “Jeopardy.” Or as Alex Trebek put it, "Who is Matt Lauer?"

Last night a woman in New York gave birth to a healthy baby girl inside a Walmart. Obviously it's a little embarrassing to give birth in a Walmart, which is why she plans on telling her daughter she was born in a Target.

U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called "Microsoft Windows."