Wednesday Feb 27 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it.
In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.
For the first time ever, NBC finished fifth in the ratings. Fifth! If we were a racehorse in England, we'd be a Burger King Whopper now.
President Obama said this week that after four years as president, "you realize all the mistakes you've made." so apparently he DOES watch Fox News.
Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of "Dancing With the Stars."
The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, "You try staying awake through a Latin mass."
Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis.
Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."
Late Show with David Letterman
It's tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, "Are you sure you weren't tailed?"
Any Catholics with us tonight? Well, I guess you didn't give up entertainment for lent.
Sequesters — any idea what those are? The star of "Rocky" was Sequester Stallone. That's as close as I can come.
Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections.
All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest — or an interior decorator.
A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from "Saturday Night Live"? Yeah.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
TLC has renewed its reality show, "Breaking Amish," for a second season. Parents of those kids would be so proud if they had any idea what that meant.
Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester — when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend.
In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he'll be back for Christmas and Easter.