Tuesday Feb 26 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. That is bad news for parents. You'll never get the kids out of the house now. "Dad, I'm only 50. That's, like, 17."
A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas, yesterday. It was really confusing for people sneaking over the border. They thought they'd gone all the way to Canada.
In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.
Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?
People still are talking about the Oscars — at least my comedy writers are.
Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep.
It's being reported that next season, "Downton Abbey" will feature its first black character. The producers hope this will lead to "Downton Abbey's" first black viewer.
Longevity scientists said that compared to last century, 72 is the new 30. However, they said that Larry King is still very, very old.
Late Show with David Letterman
The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the "Sports Illustrated" pants suit issue.
The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.
The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy.
Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today they announced the new cast of "Dancing With the Stars." Guess who they got this year? Ingo Rademacher. I can't believe they got him or her.
The show also got Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. I know Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. One is the prancing ice princess who stole my heart in Montreal and the other one is Dorothy Hamill.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The cast of "Duck Dynasty" is here with us today. Some of our camera guys are so excited, they wore camouflage to work today.
Our originally scheduled music guest, Morrissey, cancelled. He is a staunch animal rights activist. He said he "couldn't morally be on a show where cast members of 'Duck Dynasty' will also be guests." While I respect his stance, there's a very good reason I didn't dump the "Duck Dynasty" guys for Morrissey. It's because they have guns and Morrissey doesn't.
This morning on "Good Morning America," ABC unveiled the new cast of "Dancing With the Stars." It was a who's who of who needs money.
TLC announced that "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" will soon be on the air in Australia, Latin America, and the Netherlands. Personally, I'm not in favor of exporting our reality shows to other countries. Deporting our reality shows, yes. But exporting, no.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Manti Te’o was apparently one of the slowest linebackers to run the 40-yard dash at the NFL's scouting combine yesterday. You can tell he took it to heart because today he spent three hours on an imaginary Stairmaster.
Kim Kardashian said that she and Kanye West want to get married, but they’re not going to rush it. And also because they have to wait until Kim is actually divorced.
Beyoncé has actually designed her own pair of sneakers. The sneakers are made of stingray, ostrich, cat hair, crocodile, and anaconda skins. So if you want a pair of those sneakers, you'd better order it now while species last.
The online college, the University of Phoenix, could lose its license because of questionable billing policies. Which makes sense when you find out they got their accounting degree from the University of Phoenix.