Monday Feb 25 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Life of Pi" took home four Oscars. It's about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Yet with all that, it’s still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise.
Jennifer Lawrence won for best actress and worst stuntwoman.
There was one glaring omission in the “In memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan's career. Didn’t that die last year?
Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. Pizzas with horse meat. How fast does THAT get delivered to your house?
Welcome to the show. I'm Conan O'Brien — or perhaps I'm Daniel Day-Lewis in his greatest role yet.
Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.
Big winner last night was "Life of Pi," a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of "The Hangover 3."
South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, "We're just going to stick with men named Kim."
Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? The show last night was so long that by the middle of the show the audience was begging Daniel Day-Lewis to free them.
I think one of the reasons that "Lincoln" did not win as best picture is that it's full of inaccuracies. For example, Abraham Lincoln was never married to Mary Tyler Lincoln.
The best picture was called "Argo." It was about a heroic Hollywood producer. Wow, how did something like that ever win?
First lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night the biggest stars in the world squeezed into the theater across the street. But it's nice to see our neighborhood getting back to abnormal.
I don't know why the Oscars needs a best actor and actress category. You don't separate best director and best directress.
Daniel Day-Lewis now has one Oscar for each of his names.
Monday night I usually update you on the number of times "amazing" is said on "The Bachelor." Tonight was 22. We also collected every "amazing" that was uttered on or near the Oscars' red carpet. That's 101. There were as many "amazings" as there were Dalmatians. Can someone in the world please send us more adjectives. We need them.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night's Academy Awards lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. Even Jennifer Lawrence's dress was like, “That's way too long.”
The entire cast of “Les Miserables” performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of “Zero Dark Thirty” put it, “Now this is torture.”
The company that owns Olive Garden announced that its revenue has dropped 5 percent in the last quarter. Which explains their new promotion: limited bread sticks.