Wednesday Feb 20 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become "The Jerry Springer Show"?
Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.
The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O'Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks.
Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time.
I've got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that "Zero Dark Thirty" contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error.
It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food."
It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans.
Late Show with David Letterman
It's still winter here in New York City. It's 28 and bitter, like Lindsay Lohan.
They're going to miss Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks.
They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa.
A woman called 911 because she ran out of cigarettes. You don't see me calling 911 because I run out of jokes, do you? Not anymore, anyway.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We've become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose.
Today the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, stepped down. He's stepping down like the Pope, but with a funnier name and a smaller hat.
I'm not sure who'll replace Boyko Borisov. My money's on Ashton Kutcher.
Robert Plant told Australia's version of "60 Minutes" that he'd be willing to reform Led Zeppelin. When I heard this, I said, "What? Australia has a "60 Minutes?"
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son's 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, "That's a really bad parenting choice."
Florida Atlantic University announced a new corporate sponsor for their football stadium. It happens to be America's second largest operator of for-profit prisons. I guess they figured a lot of the athletes end up in prison anyway.
The school, Florida Atlantic University, says very little will change. The only change they're making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes.
In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is "Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave."
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
I guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year's Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to an even younger audience, they're spelling Oscar with a "z" — and backwards in crayon.
There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.
In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all.