Friday Feb 08 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a leaked report from an upcoming U.N. study on climate change, solar activity may play a greater role in global warming than previously thought. The sun may be involved in global warming. It's always the last place you'd think, isn’t it?
Time magazine is reporting that since Al Gore sold his TV network to Al Jazeera, he is now worth more money than Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? They're still publishing Time magazine.
Geologists say in a hundred million years, Asia and America will smash into each other and become one big super-continent. How ironic is that? Just about the time when we have our loan to China paid off, we ARE China.
Someone recently threw a shoe at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. They say throwing a shoe is the supreme mark of disrespect in the Arab world. I would have to go with beheading. I would rather have a shoe hit my head than have my head hit my shoes.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Snake. Here's how dumb I am. All day long on my checks I've been writing "Year of the Dragon."
I love the Grammy Awards. It's a chance for me to feel really out of touch and really old.
Hillary Clinton is finished as secretary of state. They had a going away party for Hillary. She had a couple of drinks and admitted she doesn't know the difference between Paraguay and Uruguay.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a big weekend over in Asia. Sunday night is Chinese New Year. So let me be first to say, "Gung hay fat choy." That means "Best wishes for a prosperous new year." Either that or I just threatened to invade Taiwan.
Astrology is derived from the root word "astrologia" — a Latin word that means "crap."
I don't put much stock in astrology. It's all made up. But then, I'm a Taurus so I would think that.
Astrology is very different from "astronomy." Astronomers spend years in school and know a lot of facts and stuff about science. Astrologers just spout mystical mumbo jumbo that sounds good but isn't true. It's like the difference between Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This big winter storm could dump three feet of snow on the East Coast and knock out power to 24 million people. This storm is really a big deal. In fact, the Weather Channel is expecting totals of 12 to 20 viewers.
It was just announced that a third "Night at the Museum" movie is coming out. You can tell they're running out of ideas because it's called, “Night at the Museum 3: Maybe Go to the Museum During the Day?”
A man in Florida was arrested for drunk driving on a motorized shopping cart at a Walmart. He led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles per hour.