Thursday Feb 07 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
More bad news for A-Rod. It looks like there is more evidence linking Alex Rodriguez to a Miami doctor who prescribed performance-enhancing drugs. Here's how bad it is for A-Rod. He is now favored to win this year's Tour de France.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.
Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.
This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show.
When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, "It's not my thing." Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.
Home Depot plans to hire 80,000 new employees. The CEO said, "If your skills are avoiding customers and hiding in the break room, give us a call."
Late Show with David Letterman
It's Fashion Week in New York City. And by the way, if you're keeping track, this is Fashion Week XLVII.
The police in New York City used to have the "stop and frisk" law for Fashion Week. They replaced that with "stop and pose."
The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.
Mayor Bloomberg is on a campaign to make New York City a better place to live. Guess what he's done now? He's outlawing Styrofoam cups. He wants New York City to have the nation's toughest cup control laws.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new report by economists lists the world's most expensive cities. It turns out the most expensive city is Tokyo, Japan. Tokyo unveiled their new tourism slogan today. Their slogan is: "Tokyo: We'll leave you brokeo."
I'd love to go to Tokyo. It's not just expensive; it's also one of the most crowded cities in the world. A city full of people with thick wallets? It makes me pine for the days when I was a Dickensian pickpocket.
Paris finished number eight. The people in France were very annoyed today. Then they heard about the list. And then they said, "Just do not raise the price of soft cheese."
Oslo, Norway, is number five on the list. Apparently it is very expensive to buy umlauts. That's what they have in Norway. Umlauts are those dots they put above vowels.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Dr. Phil is with us tonight — and make no mistake, if any of you are pretending to be a football player's imaginary girlfriend, he will find you and you will confess.
This weekend a couple from Connecticut will have the longest marriage ever recorded in the U.S. They got married more than 80 years ago. You see how long a marriage can last if you don't meet on "The Bachelor"?
They got married Nov. 25, 1932. They bonded over their mutual love of music, travel, and not dying of polio.
They said the secret to their long-lasting marriage is love, compromise, and the fact that neither one of them has been able to hear a word the other one has said in more than 30 years.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Northeast is bracing for a snowstorm this weekend. Some forecasts say it will be only two inches while others predict 30 inches. When asked why they couldn’t make a better prediction, meteorologists were like, "Uh, we're meteorologists."
Actually, they’re saying New York could receive up to 12 inches of snow this weekend. Or as Subway calls it: 11 inches.
Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called “Ready for Hillary.” And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called "Bracing for Biden.”
Last night runners from around the world competed in the annual race to the top of the Empire State Building. But there's already a scandal brewing. It turns out one of the competitors tested positive for elevator.