Tuesday Feb 05 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill.
CBS is now facing a possible fine because Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was overheard dropping the F-bomb on the air. CBS is arguing they could not have foreseen this happening — you know, someone on the Ravens breaking the law who isn't Ray Lewis.
In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space.
According to a new traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington, D.C., than any other city in the country. On the other hand, they don't do any work once they get there, so it’s pretty much a wash.
What a kooky Super Bowl it was. Strange stories keep coming out. During the Ravens' celebration, it was revealed the Super Bowl trophy went missing. Coach John Harbaugh called his mother and said, "Make Jim give it back. Make him give it back now!"
After the game, Super Bowl quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife's pregnant. In response, Dan Marino said, "I can explain."
A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding.
Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate.
Late Show with David Letterman
They had the Super Bowl blackout and now we're learning that they also lost the Super Bowl trophy. The Lombardi Trophy — they give you that giant silver football, and now it's missing. So that explains the blackout. It was a heist!
You don't know you're old until you try to participate in current culture. I'll give you an example. I'm watching the Super Bowl and the lights go out. Out of force of habit in my own home I try to clap them back on.
The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney.
Let's make Super Bowl weekend a three-day holiday. Why not? I think Americans will need Monday off to return the kegs.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent coins in Canada. So now if you're in Canada, and say to someone "a penny for your thoughts," that is now illegal. They will put you in jail.
Prison in Canada is probably fun. The prisoners are so polite, they ask you nicely before they stab you, "Where would you like to be stabbed?"
Canadians have a one-dollar coin. They call it the loonie. Here in America, the loonie is what we call Mel Gibson.
Remember the expression, "Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck?" Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either really loves him or really hates her parents.
They say they're planning to get married. Once you get a name tattooed on your face, you might as well give it a shot.
On the bright side, if the marriage doesn't work out . . . Well, actually there is no bright side, so good luck.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios.
Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late.
The Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does — got their older brother to buy it for them.