Wednesday Jan 30 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, "Stop bragging!"
Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English.
The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture.
John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling.
The head coaches for the Super Bowl are two brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. Their mother promises that whatever the outcome she is going to call the loser after the game and telling him he was adopted.
China is launching their own version of the TV show "Friends." Six attractive young people live together in an iPad factory. They get yelled at if they don't work fast enough.
A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning. In other words, Americans have nothing to worry about.
Late Show with David Letterman
More trouble in the world of big-time athletics and steroid use. Turns out now that Alex Rodriguez may have been using performance-enhancing drugs for quite a long time. Calling Oprah!
This Sunday is the Harbaugh Bowl. You know about this? It's the Harbaugh brothers. You have Jim Harbaugh coaching the 49ers and you have John Harbaugh coaching the Baltimore Ravens. I mean, can you feel the electricity?
The Harbaugh brothers were very close in college. As a matter of fact, they dated imaginary twins.
We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new show premiered tonight on the FX network called "The Americans." It's about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. They're Russian agents who look like us, talk like us, but all of their relationships are based on a big lie. These days that only happens to college football players.
Keri Russell stars in "The Americans." She plays what intelligence services call a "sleeper agent." That's the kind of spy I'd want to be, a sleeper agent. My skill — taking naps in five languages.
I don't think I'd make a good spy. All that lying, duplicity, pretending to be someone you're not. No, I prefer good old-fashioned honest Hollywood.
The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We are four days away from the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are a lot of fun. It's also a really great way to give your friends all the flu at once.
On Sunday the San Francisco 49ers battle the Baltimore Ravens. A study conducted by a religious research institute says 27 percent of Americans believe God has a hand in determining which team wins. So if you're praying for a new kidney this Sunday, sorry, God has the Ravens and the 49ers.
Of course God cares about football. He created a girlfriend for Manti Te'o out of nothing.
If God really is influencing NFL games, that would mean he isn't in church on Sunday, so why should I go?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. The big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance-enhancing substance called deer antler extract. That explains how Lewis has been preparing for the game — staring into a set of headlights.
A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, the zoo's deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens.
An employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as “dedicated,” while co-workers describe her as “that lady who gave me the flu.”