President Obama said this week that he wants to find a "pathway for citizenship" for immigrants in the United States. Don't we have that? It's called the Rio Grande river.

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Apparently, she has something called "self-respect."

It seems a doctor in Germany is being sued by the family of a patient who died after 16 items were left inside of him after the surgery. The doctor said he felt terrible. He tried to call the family but couldn't find his cell phone.

A health advocacy group has criticized The Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that contain over 3,000 calories. Today the CEO of The Cheesecake Factory said, "What part of factory of cheese and cake don't you understand?"

That's like going to Fat Burger and complaining.

The director of "Zero Dark Thirty" has come out against torture. And the director of "Lincoln" has come out against going to the theater in 1865.

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time.

Over the weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded, and ready to go — it's like me before the show.

They said the cannon was deadly, dangerous, and could blow up just like that. But don't worry. New York City police did what they could. They put out one of those orange cones.

Do you all have the flu? I'm telling you, it's bad. Earlier today, I heard Lance Armstrong admit to using Tamiflu.

Do you know what happens Monday? President Barack Obama becomes President Barack Obama for the second time. It's the inauguration.

"American Idol" starts tonight. This is the third season without Simon Cowell. People thought the show wouldn't survive without him. And those people are called "Simon Cowell."

I think each new judge will bring something unique to the show. Mariah Carey: wisdom. Nicki Minaj: sass. And Keith Urban will bring stubble.

Apps make everything easier these days. To think just a few years ago I had no idea what an app was. Of course a few years ago I had no idea what a Kardashian or a Bieber or a Honey Boo Boo was.

Tonight we as a nation usher in a new season of "American Idol." Will it be the final season? Let's hope so.

The judges are almost all new on "American Idol." They include the guy who's married to Nicole Kidman — Keith Urban, who's Australian. Are we really going to let an Australian pick our "American Idol"? Doesn't sound very American to me.

Steven Tyler added a little extra something to "American Idol." He'd zero in on the female contestants. He'd stare at them like a hungry cheetah stalking a gazelle, and I miss that.

Flu season is here. There's always a group of people who are too paranoid to get a flu shot, even though about half of them have between one and 80 tattoos. What these people are saying is: "I do not trust the doctors to tell me the flu shot is safe and effective, but I do trust the guy with a nose ring to inject me repeatedly with ink."

I’m sorry if I seem a little distracted; I just confessed to Oprah that when I played T-ball in kindergarten, I was on Juicy-Juice.

Oprah’s big interview with Lance Armstrong is getting a lot of attention. Oprah said she prepared 112 questions. The first question was, “Did you use steroids?” while the next 111 questions were, “Oh, come on. You used steroids, right?”

A week after saying, “I’m not leaving Oregon for the NFL,” Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, “Pick a story and stick with it.”

The beginning of the movie “Lincoln” has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, “I would have preferred a different ENDING.”