Tuesday Jan 15 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Lance Armstrong confessed during his interview with Oprah Winfrey that he did use performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France seven times. This came as a complete shock to as many as a dozen people.
Although he denied it for years, it was starting to become obvious. Like that one year he won the race on the stationary bike. Remember that?
Lance said that he felt like a great weight had been lifted — a huge, oversized weight that he never could have lifted naturally.
The interview with Oprah will air on Thursday. Then on Friday, Lance will appear on a very special episode of “Cheaters.”
Oprah Winfrey says she conducted "an intense two and a half hour interview with Lance Armstrong." Oprah said she never would have had the stamina if Lance wouldn't have given her something to keep going.
President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. "is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, "By the way, if China calls, I'm not here."
Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.
Actress Megan Fox compared fame to being bullied in high school. I agree. I'll never forget that day in high school when jocks cornered me in the gym and paid me millions of dollars to star in "Transformers."
Late Show with David Letterman
I asked my doctor yesterday what the difference is between a cold and the flu and he said, "About $80."
Lindsay Lohan is back in court today. This is her 20th appearance in court. She's been in court so often she's got her own locker.
How about that Lance Armstrong. He goes on the Oprah Winfrey show and he admits to something that I suspected for a long time. He confesses that he in fact is a lesbian.
I think Oprah might have been confused or perhaps poorly informed because Lance kept saying, "Yes, I used performance-enhancing drugs. Yes, I did." And Oprah kept saying, "That's great, but tell us about walking on the moon."
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
His interview with Oprah lasted almost three hours. At one point Lance said he propagated one of the greatest frauds in American history. And Oprah said, "Whoa. Easy there. I'm the one who discovered Dr. Phil."
Whether or not you support Lance Armstrong, you can agree on one thing. The admission allows us all to go back to not giving a crap about cycling.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference to announce that if you post one more picture of your cat sleeping, they're going to delete your account.
Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It delivers search results from your network of Facebook friends, so you can ask questions like, "Who are my friends that live in San Francisco?" By the way, if you have to ask that, you don't have any friends in San Francisco.
It's an interesting new feature. Soon you'll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.
The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.
Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder.
MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film “Ben-Hur.” You can tell it’s a remake because instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks revenge — it’s just about sexy vampires.