Monday Jan 14 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This flu epidemic is just terrible. Experts say that those hit hardest are the very old and the very young. So that's especially bad news for Hugh Hefner and his new bride.
Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican.
A Florida couple got into a fight resulting in the woman biting off half her boyfriend's ear. She said her biggest complaint is that he never listens.
The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?
The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."
President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.
There is a new app that is coming out that shows you how alcohol will age you. When I was a kid, we did this by looking at our fathers.
Steven Tyler and his fiancée have reportedly broken up. The fiancée explained she just wants to date other old gypsy women.
Late Show with David Letterman
Thirteen years ago today doctors had me split open like a lobster and they performed the highly dangerous bypass surgery. Today I said, "Doctor, I'm calling to thank you very much. Thirteen years ago today you saved my life." And he says "Well, Dave, it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I had five bypasses. Or, as former Vice President Dick Cheney refers to it, "a checkup."
Anybody see the Golden Globe awards last night? It's the one night of the year that Hollywood takes a break from congratulating itself to let foreigners congratulate them.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's cold here in L.A. We broke records last night. It was so cold, Charlie Sheen filled his bed with porn stars just to stay warm.
It was so cold, Mel Gibson was seen drunk driving in a snowmobile.
It was so cold Matthew McConaughey was seen wearing a shirt. It's never that cold.
Today is the first day of the Detroit Auto Show. They also give out awards in many different categories. The prize for 2013 light truck of the year went to Daniel Day-Lewis. He's winning everything this year!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida.
An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve — which is how "The Lord of the Rings" starts, isn't it?
The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn't it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Everyone was talking about how cold it was on the Golden Globes red carpet. The temperature was in the low 50s. In fact, it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted.
Black Sabbath is reuniting with Ozzy Osbourne for their first album together in 35 years. You can tell they're getting up there because now all Ozzy can do is gum at a bat's head for 30 seconds until it flies away.
Congrats to 23-year-old Mallory Hagan from Brooklyn, who won the Miss America pageant on Saturday. You could tell that she is from Brooklyn because instead of saying she wanted world peace, she was like, "War? Forget about it."
Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.