Thursday Jan 10 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. "Lincoln" leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first — not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing.
Congratulations Denzel Washington. He got nominated for best actor for "Flight." It’s about a pilot who's an alcoholic. Or as we call that now — a documentary.
The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama's second inauguration will be "Faith in America's Future." The idea is to get our minds off of America's present.
The makers of the Monopoly game announced they are going to replace one of the famous board game's tokens. If they want to modernize Monopoly they should just throw the banker into prison and put Lindsay Lohan on the “Get Out of Jail” free card. That’s how you modernize the game.
A 9-year-old was nominated for an Oscar, making her the youngest nominee ever. She says she's dreamed of winning an Oscar ever since last week.
President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating.
Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?
The University of Arizona now offers a degree in hip-hop. Trust me. That's one class where you don't want to cheat off the Asian kid.
Late Show with David Letterman
Baseball's Hall of Fame had its selections for players who are voted in. This year, nobody gets in. Lots of players were eligible, but nobody got in. However, Pete Rose is already taking bets for next year.
Last night here on CBS was the annual People's Choice Awards. And for the 10th year in a row the people chose not to watch.
I don't know how folks do it. I'm telling you, the only way you can get me to sit through an awards show is if I was duct taped to my seat.
Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. "Lincoln" received 12 Oscar nominations. "Lincoln" also received a nomination for best hat.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Oscar nominations were announced. The movie "Brave" was nominated for best animated feature. I did a voice in that movie. A few years ago, "How to Train Your Dragon" was nominated. I did a voice for that too. I'm sensing a pattern. Accolades are only given to work in which I don't show my face.
The movie that got the most nominations was "Lincoln." It's the first time Hollywood has ever supported a Republican.
"Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance" got zip. Nothing. It is an outrage! Nicolas Cage played a motorcycle-riding skeleton on fire. Let's see Daniel Day-Lewis do that.
John Williams was nominated for his "Lincoln" score. It's his 48th nomination. I wonder if John Williams even pretends to care at this point.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.
I was looking through a list of the best picture nominees. Some of them are very obscure. The rule should be that a movie is eligible only if I've heard of it.
"Lincoln" led the field with 12 nominations. Lincoln I've heard of. The guy from the money, right?
In the best actress category, two records were set. An 85-year-old actress became the oldest nominee. And a 9-year-old became the youngest nominee. That is until Honey Boo Boo next year.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. "Lincoln" earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for "Lincoln." I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, "What is a movie?"
The Chilean movie "No" received a nomination for best foreign language film. The producers are working on the sequel called "Maybe."
President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, "You guys know I'll be there, too, right?"
Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, "You are very handsome" and "Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen."