Wednesday Jan 09 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Baseball Hall of Fame voting results are in, and for the first time since 1996, not one player was voted in. They turned down Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds. Here’s how bad it was: Lance Armstrong got more votes than any of those guys.
The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called “Cinco de Career-o.”
The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?
Here is a shocking statistic. You know who are the most frequent binge drinkers? Seniors! That explains Brent Musberger’s comments about Miss Alabama.
The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business.
Chris Christie said to his fork, "Shut up or I'm going to switch to my friend — spoon."
It's being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive version of their iPhone. They're calling it a Samsung.
Late Show with David Letterman
Right here on CBS was the annual People's Choice Awards show. It had fantastic categories like "favorite Kardashian" and "favorite late-night Jimmy."
I was nominated and darn, I was defeated in my category by Brent Musburger. The category was "people's choice for creepiest old guy."
In 2012 we had the hottest year on record, and we had 357 brand-new record highs. That's 358 if you count Lindsay Lohan.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Earlier tonight on Fox they aired a show called "Stars in Danger: The High Dive." I can hear you mumbling at your TV, "Reality TV stars in a diving competition? Who'd even watch crap like that?
I only watched the first half-hour. In my defense, I didn't know there'd be water in the pool.
One of the contestants on this show is Antonio Sabato Jr. I'm a big fan. I can tell you everything about him. His dad is Antonio Sabato Sr.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It's the second night of our new time slot. We had a big show last night. Unfortunately, I found out this afternoon we have to do it again tonight. I don't know what these people want from me.
On Fox tonight, they aired a two-hour celebrity diving show called "Stars in Danger: The High Dive." I think the only thing worse than being a celebrity contestant on a competitive diving show is being a celebrity judge on a competitive diving show.
On CBS tonight is the People's Choice Awards. The People's Choice Awards is basically an annual reminder that we have too many awards shows.
It's voted on by the people instead of academy members. That's all good until "Battleship" wins best picture.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars.
Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, “1600 Penn,” which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, “Why’s everyone looking at me?”