Tuesday Jan 08 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to several reports, a lot of people think 2013 is going to be bad luck because it has the number 13 in it. You know what you call these people? Notre Dame fans.
Do you know what BCS stands for? “Beating Catholics Soundly.”
Let me tell you how bad it was. Today the Pope suggested that Notre Dame might want to be a Lutheran college.
The game was basically over at halftime. It was like a Lakers game.
Last night Alabama won football's national championship by defeating Notre Dame 42-4. Irish people haven't been this depressed since — all the time. Every day. Constantly.
Good news for hockey. After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. The last time Americans went 113 days without watching hockey, it was during last year's hockey season.
A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard.
According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.
Late Show with David Letterman
We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.
You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.
Remember when Kim Kardashian was married to basketball player Chris Humphreys? Turns out they're not legally divorced. This could get in the way and possibly hold up Kim's divorce from Kanye West when they eventually get married.
What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The great David Bowie turned 66 today. To celebrate, he released a new music video. I wish I could be like David Bowie and just disappear, stay under the radar and out of the spotlight for 10 years. Well, I've been doing this show for eight years, so just another two to go.
David Bowie is fantastic. I like to think I have some things in common with him. He's from Britain. I'm from Britain. He used to have a problem with cocaine. I used to have a problem with cocaine. He's considered a genius. I used to have a problem with cocaine.
I started listening to Bowie back in the 1970s. A big part of his mystique back then was his sexuality. He was ambiguous. Bowie made androgyny cool. In the decade before Bowie, music was dominated by macho, manly men. Like Elvis, Frank Sinatra, and Liberace.
Bowie's been married to Iman, the model, now for 20 years. Marrying a model is a great idea because you save a fortune on food.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A new time slot. We used to be on at midnight. Now we're on at 11:35. Now I'm 25 minutes closer to my lifelong dream of co-hosting "The View."
"Nightline" is on after us now, but just because this isn't "Nightline," that doesn't mean we're not going to talk about important stuff. For instance, did you know Honey Boo Boo's mother is afraid of mayonnaise?
My New Year's resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I'm already halfway there.
Alabama won the college football championship game. It was a tough loss for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. If only Irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it would have been so much easier.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night Alabama crushed Notre Dame 42-14 in the BCS National Championship. I haven’t seen such an ugly night for the Fighting Irish since Thanksgiving with my family.
Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over 2,000 years old. Meanwhile, my mom was like, “That date is just a recommendation. They're still good.”
To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship.