Wednesday Dec 12 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to the latest census poll, a large number of Californians are moving out of state and going to places like Texas and Nevada. Look, I know a lot of us are disgusted with the Lakers, but that's no reason . . .
The Lakers are so bad, when Mitt Romney talks about the 47 percent, he means Dwight Howard's free throw shooting.
It is so bad, Lakers fans are referring to last year's NBA lockout as the good old days.
Since January of 2000, NFL players have been arrested 624 times on different charges. In fact, the number one defense scheme now in the NFL? — the plea bargain.
New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.
Last night the Spice Girls musical debuted in London. So it turns out the Mayans were off by just a few weeks.
According to the Census Bureau, white people will not be the majority in the United States by the year 2043. So this is even more bad news for the National Hockey League.
Scientists say that they have found evidence of cheese being made 7,500 years ago. The evidence was found in a 7-Eleven nacho bar.
Late Show with David Letterman
According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?
December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual.
A couple of days ago in an IKEA store in Toronto they had a crazy monkey running around wild. IKEA found out about the monkey and now he's making $15 an hour assembling wall units.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A love letter written by a young Mick Jagger sold at auction for $300,000. You can tell that Mick Jagger's an old man because the letter actually begins, "Dear Cleopatra."
It's 12-12-12. And you know what that means. Nothing.
People say that 12-12-12 is the last time this century we'll see repeating numbers like that. But all across the country, there was a surge of weddings today. I will still be spending the night clutching a rifle in my underground bunker.
Numbers are important. Without them, we would not know how much stuff weighs or how much stuff is worth. We wouldn't know how many meltdowns there would be on the set of "Two and a Half Men."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In case you haven't already heard it from every annoying person at work, it's December 12, 2012. It's 12-12-12. Wedding chapels in Las Vegas were jam-packed. I'm not sure that's a good idea. It's bad enough when you forget your anniversary. But forgetting it when you got married on 12-12-12, that's just asking for trouble.
It's exciting. I haven't been this excited since 11-11-11.
This is probably the last time anyone will ever see a triple date. When January 1, 2101, comes along, odds are we'll all be dead. Tonight on ABC is the 20th annual Barbara Walters special. Barbara will be alive in 2101. She's the only one.
It's hard to get in the holiday spirit in L.A. It's hard to get in the holiday spirit anywhere where you see people shopping for Christmas trees in shorts.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea's successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.
The Huffington Post is taking some heat for badly misquoting Mark Twain in a recent piece that was meant to celebrate his birthday. But as Twain himself once said, "Haters gonna hate."
A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute — or as Chris Christie calls that, "the best forecast ever!"