Thursday Nov 29 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch together at the White House today. In fact, Romney offered to buy Obama lunch but the president said, "No, no it’s on our grandchildren. They’ll take care of it. Don’t even worry about it."
I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings — to which Mitt Romney said, "I'm not falling for that one again."
The big topic continues to be the “fiscal cliff.” That’s not a term that normal people use. People don’t relate to that. You want to use words people understand. Say we are headed for "broke-a** mountain."
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for assault last night in New York City. I guess she punched another woman in the face and knocked her down at a club at four o’clock in the morning. This is the closest Lindsay has come to a hit in years.
Powerball officials say two people won the $580 million. Congratulations to the winners — Mitt and Ann Romney.
Today Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. It was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47 percent.
President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, "So how much do you want for the place?"
The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said "Romney has no dignity." Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any.
The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?
Everyone here goes nuts when it rains. People are like, "Oh, no, it's raining! It's never been this bad before!" People are taking shelter under Meg Ryan's lips.
There is panic here. Lindsay Lohan went to jail just to stay dry.