Wednesday Nov 14 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, "Why not?" Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now.
This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it.
It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats.
A dozen New York Jets players told a reporter that Tim Tebow is "terrible." They said he's a terrible quarterback. And believe me, if anybody knows terrible, it's the Jets.
According to a new study, humans may be gradually losing their intelligence. The study was conducted by watching four minutes of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.
For the holidays, the makers of Pringles are coming out with a white chocolate and peppermint flavored potato chip. In a related story, Pfizer is coming out with cinnamon flavored insulin, so it's still going to balance itself out.
Late Show with David Letterman
The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.
Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg.
And then they chainsaw the Christmas tree down and load it onto a flatbed truck. Then they bring it into the city, which is difficult because the mayor has that prohibition in place so you have to have three trees per vehicle to get into the city.
According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to his royal highness, Prince Charles. He turns 64 today. Prince Charles is spending his birthday in New Zealand. It's part of his "Places we used to own" tour.
I make fun of Prince Charles, but I admit I'm a fan. It's important to remember he's just a guy. Like any other guy, he has his servants put his pants on him one leg at a time.
The royal family costs British taxpayers $60 million a year. But in their defense, the royal family has cut back. Nowadays they hardly ever feed live peasants to their hounds.
To keep this in perspective, the U.S. pays almost a billion dollars to support the first family. Granted, most of that money just goes to making fake birth certificates.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
For the first time, texting has started to decline. A new report has found that the average number of text messages that cellphone customers in the U.S. sends has dropped from 700 a month on average to 675 a month. Maybe texting is down because a lot of the people who text and drive are now dead.
It makes sense when you think about it. Because 20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we're just taking the next logical step. Now we send nothing.
We finally realized we don't have anything to say to each other.
"People" magazine has revealed their sexiest man alive for 2012, and the sexiest man alive is — Mtumbe Otawabe, a farmer from Ethiopia. They did a very exhaustive search this year.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today, People magazine announced that Channing Tatum is 2012’s "Sexiest Man Alive" — while Florida will announce their results sometime next week.
It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney’s tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, “Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!” And now he’s like, “Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?”
A new study found that eating healthier food can improve your memory. Unfortunately, the first thing you remember is how much better unhealthy food tastes.
There will be a three-percent increase in the price of turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Or as fat chickens put it, “Uh-oh.”