Friday Nov 02 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.
The birth rate in the United States has hit an all-time low. But to be fair, basketball season has just started. It’s going to take a while for these guys to get out there and go to different towns. Just be patient.
The latest James Bond movie, "Skyfall," is really good but there's a bit of a controversy now because of product placement. Like instead of his signature martini, Bond now drinks Heineken. That's not the only example — 007 is now 007-11.
You know Miss Moneypenny? She's now Miss JCPenny.
Late Show with David Letterman
New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?
You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we'll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That's good news.
This idea never made much sense to me, but we change our clocks, and all I know is we get an extra hour. An extra hour wrapped in a blanket waiting for the electricity. Yeah, that's good. Thanks a lot.
Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He's urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Mayor Bloomberg lifted his three or more people per car rule tonight. No one was allowed to cross the bridges between 6 a.m. until midnight unless they were in a car pool because the tunnels flooded. It's known as "car pool tunnel syndrome."
Local officials are doing whatever they can to help those affected by Hurricane Sandy. Newark Mayor Corey Booker has been inviting people to his house. This either makes him the coolest or creepiest mayor ever.
If you've always wanted to ransack a mayor's medicine cabinet, now is your chance.
The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don't even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what's going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Mayor Bloomberg has canceled this year’s New York City Marathon. It’s just as well as it was going to be extra tough on the runners since Bloomberg was going to require them to carry three other runners just to get into the city.
Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like “Romnesia.” Then he said, “I mean it’s just an “Obamanation.”
This Sunday is the end of Daylight Saving Time. So to all my younger viewers, remember to set your clocks back — and to my parents, remember to put a fresh piece of tape over the clock on your VCR.
This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.