Thursday Oct 25 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Home sales are up. That's certainly good news. Do you know the most expensive home for sale in the country right now? The White House.
According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.
There's been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day AFTER Election Day the holiday?
President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in.
Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody excited about the World Series? The San Francisco Giants, who looked pretty good last night, face the Detroit Tigers. Here's what I predict. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio.
How about the Giants' Pablo Sandoval? In the game last night, he had three home runs and a single. And today Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees said, "You can do that?"
Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate.
The debates are over. All that's left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person.
I don't read the tabloids. I prefer to get my celebrity news the old-fashioned way — by peeping thru their bedroom windows.
I'm going to say something controversial. A lot of stuff in the tabloids is made up.
The tabloids are made up, except the astrology section. That's 100 percent real.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She'll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception.
Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party. The Green Party. Is that what they call it?
I'm looking forward to interviewing the first lady. I sat next to her when I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. But it's hard to have a conversation with Newt Gingrich yelling "You gonna eat that" over and over again in my ear.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
While he was at a diner this week in Ohio, a man told Joe Biden that he’s a good guy but a bad vice president. Which gets even worse when you hear that was the only thing President Obama said the entire lunch.
Have you heard about this? A major storm called Hurricane Sandy is on track to hit New York next week on Halloween. But the hurricane will only hit the houses that are giving out apples and raisins.
After months of dating, this week Taylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend, Conor Kennedy. And when Kennedy asked if they were ever getting back together, Taylor just handed him an iPod and said, “Play track six.”
On Sunday, a documentary about Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal will air exclusively on CNN. Armstrong was like, “Phew — thank God no one’s going to see it.”